Had two of my gorgeous nephews staying with us this week. While I was giving Logan some food, Blake, 10, saw the Albury plaque on the wall and said "Oh look, Logan was so cute". This was only the second time the plaque has been pointed out by anyone (both times its been mistaken as just one of Logans ultrasounds) and even though I was unprepared for it, I feel I dealt with it exactly how I hoped I would.
I just said to Blake and Aiden "No, thats not Logan, remember when I had a baby in my tummy before Logan, but the baby died? Well she was a little girl, and thats her. Her name is ALbury." Both of them remembered, and asked questions, told me their memories of when it happened, how it made them cry. I just let them know that it was ok to be sad and cry as it was a very sad thing to happen. They then went on with their day as normal.
It was exactly how I had hoped, not awkward, not over emotional, just a nice chat about Albury, who she is, and what she means to us.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Excitement of Christmas
I LOVE Christmas, everything about it. Decorating the house, giving presents, getting presents, good company, good food, whats not to love?
This was not so true last Christmas. Last Christmas was supposed to be Albury's first Christmas, it was supposed to be exciting for a whole other reason. I was supposed to fulfill my life long dream of becoming Santa, dressing my baby up in a gorgeous Christmas outfit, having everyone adoring her. But no, she wasn't there.
The problem was I didn't talk about how sad I was, I didn't think I was aloud to be, as I was 6 months pregnant with Logan at the time. How can I be so sad when I have my son growing in my belly? Well simple, because I didn't have my baby girl in my arms.
It broke my heart to hear the words, "There are no babies this year, how boring!" Knowing that Albury would have filled that void, SHOULD have filled it. It was even hard opening presents for Logan, because I kept thinking how they could have been hers.
Yes Christmas was hard last year, but the time with my family was enough to get me through it with a real smile on my face. Because that's what family does, without even knowing it, they get you through the toughest times in your life.
This was not so true last Christmas. Last Christmas was supposed to be Albury's first Christmas, it was supposed to be exciting for a whole other reason. I was supposed to fulfill my life long dream of becoming Santa, dressing my baby up in a gorgeous Christmas outfit, having everyone adoring her. But no, she wasn't there.
The problem was I didn't talk about how sad I was, I didn't think I was aloud to be, as I was 6 months pregnant with Logan at the time. How can I be so sad when I have my son growing in my belly? Well simple, because I didn't have my baby girl in my arms.
It broke my heart to hear the words, "There are no babies this year, how boring!" Knowing that Albury would have filled that void, SHOULD have filled it. It was even hard opening presents for Logan, because I kept thinking how they could have been hers.
Yes Christmas was hard last year, but the time with my family was enough to get me through it with a real smile on my face. Because that's what family does, without even knowing it, they get you through the toughest times in your life.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
wife, mum, cook, cleaner, Charlotte?
So I am currently on a quest to 'find myself'. Becoming a mum has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life, yet it has also been the hardest. On my road to becoming a mum I have lost a child, gone through PND, as well as the usual morning sickness, sleepless nights and so on.
My days consist of feeding Logan, playing with him, changing nappy's, wiping his nose, as well as cleaning the house and getting dinner prepared. Some days all of this goes on, and some I only have time to do the first few because Logan is having a bad day. And now, after 8 and a half months of doing this I have hit a wall, asking myself, where has Charlotte gone?
A few people have asked if going back to work 1 or 2 days a week might help, and the answer is simple, nope. Work for me wasn't a part of who I was, it was just a way of getting money. We are comfortable enough for me to stay home, which however hard it may seem to believe right now, I love. I think going back to work will give me one more thing taking up what should be 'Charlotte' time.
A small step in the right direction was taken yesterday, I went to Borders and bought the last book of the Vampire Academy series, now I have the set. However I haven't even begun to read the first book. I'm currently on the last book of a different series, I'm up to chapter 2, and have been for a few months now. I used to love reading so much, losing myself in a book, loving characters, hating characters, reading just one more chapter because I just HAD to know what happened next.
But when I came out of the bookshop I thought to myself "You're an idiot Charlotte, you're never going to have time to read these bloody books, what a waste of money, you should have bought Logan something". Then it hit me, why didn't I have time to read my books? Because I put everything else first. So I have decided that AT LEAST one day a week I am going to sit down, by myself, and read.
This decision, for now, has made me feel 100 times better. I feel I am finally on my way to claiming back Charlotte.
My days consist of feeding Logan, playing with him, changing nappy's, wiping his nose, as well as cleaning the house and getting dinner prepared. Some days all of this goes on, and some I only have time to do the first few because Logan is having a bad day. And now, after 8 and a half months of doing this I have hit a wall, asking myself, where has Charlotte gone?
A few people have asked if going back to work 1 or 2 days a week might help, and the answer is simple, nope. Work for me wasn't a part of who I was, it was just a way of getting money. We are comfortable enough for me to stay home, which however hard it may seem to believe right now, I love. I think going back to work will give me one more thing taking up what should be 'Charlotte' time.
A small step in the right direction was taken yesterday, I went to Borders and bought the last book of the Vampire Academy series, now I have the set. However I haven't even begun to read the first book. I'm currently on the last book of a different series, I'm up to chapter 2, and have been for a few months now. I used to love reading so much, losing myself in a book, loving characters, hating characters, reading just one more chapter because I just HAD to know what happened next.
But when I came out of the bookshop I thought to myself "You're an idiot Charlotte, you're never going to have time to read these bloody books, what a waste of money, you should have bought Logan something". Then it hit me, why didn't I have time to read my books? Because I put everything else first. So I have decided that AT LEAST one day a week I am going to sit down, by myself, and read.
This decision, for now, has made me feel 100 times better. I feel I am finally on my way to claiming back Charlotte.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Identity Crisis
Well its been ages since I felt I had anything useful to say on here, was going to shut down the blog earlier in the week, but just forgot. Then I had yet another breakdown.
Ive been really snappy at Mike recently, not really knowing why, but even the slightest thing he did or said could set me off. Now I have finally decided to let myself realise why this is happening, and now Im going to attempt to explain it. Im not mad at Mike (well I guess in some ways I am), but I envy him.
When Logan was born he became a daddy, but then he went back to work, continued playing video games, watching the same old stuff on the computer, talked about the same things with friends, he was still "Mike". This was completely different to what I went through. When Logan was born I became mummy, I stayed home with Logan, fed him, bathed him, changed his nappy, settled him when he was sick. When I left the house it was to go to mothers group or Rhythm and Rhyme Time. When I was driving, Logan was there, when I was shopping, Logan was there, sometimes even when I had a shower, Logan was there.
Ive lost myself. I absolutely LOVE being a mum and staying home with Logan, watching him grow, it seems every day something new happens. However, I feel that is what my life is now. Im no longer Charlotte, I am Logans mum, Mikes wife.
This post doesnt really have an ending yet, Im still trying to figure out what to do next, how to claim myself back. But at least its given me something to wake the blog up with!
Ive been really snappy at Mike recently, not really knowing why, but even the slightest thing he did or said could set me off. Now I have finally decided to let myself realise why this is happening, and now Im going to attempt to explain it. Im not mad at Mike (well I guess in some ways I am), but I envy him.
When Logan was born he became a daddy, but then he went back to work, continued playing video games, watching the same old stuff on the computer, talked about the same things with friends, he was still "Mike". This was completely different to what I went through. When Logan was born I became mummy, I stayed home with Logan, fed him, bathed him, changed his nappy, settled him when he was sick. When I left the house it was to go to mothers group or Rhythm and Rhyme Time. When I was driving, Logan was there, when I was shopping, Logan was there, sometimes even when I had a shower, Logan was there.
Ive lost myself. I absolutely LOVE being a mum and staying home with Logan, watching him grow, it seems every day something new happens. However, I feel that is what my life is now. Im no longer Charlotte, I am Logans mum, Mikes wife.
This post doesnt really have an ending yet, Im still trying to figure out what to do next, how to claim myself back. But at least its given me something to wake the blog up with!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Awkward & Uncomforable
One of the main things I feel sad about is how most people feel so awkward and uncomfortable to mention anything to me about Albury. Yes some days if she is mentioned I might well up a bit and cry, but it that a bad thing? Other days I can talk about her and what happened to us fine.
Its alright to mention her birthday, ask what we did, how we felt. Its ok to say her name, I swear I wont yell at you for mentioning her in public. I wouldnt be writing a public blog about her and posting photos on facebook of her birthday if I wasnt ok with people talking about her.
I used to be the one who was uncomfortable to mention my baby girl. Its still not something I go around telling everyone, but it is not something I try to hide. I dont want to force the subject onto people, but I am happy to answer questions that people might have.
Its the same with the PND, I am so proud of where I am now, that I am happy to talk about what I went through to get to this point, share my journey to help others who are struggling.
These things are rarely talked about in a public forum, so I think its time to break down the walls and let people know they are not alone, and to not be ashamed or scared to talk about it.
Its alright to mention her birthday, ask what we did, how we felt. Its ok to say her name, I swear I wont yell at you for mentioning her in public. I wouldnt be writing a public blog about her and posting photos on facebook of her birthday if I wasnt ok with people talking about her.
I used to be the one who was uncomfortable to mention my baby girl. Its still not something I go around telling everyone, but it is not something I try to hide. I dont want to force the subject onto people, but I am happy to answer questions that people might have.
Its the same with the PND, I am so proud of where I am now, that I am happy to talk about what I went through to get to this point, share my journey to help others who are struggling.
These things are rarely talked about in a public forum, so I think its time to break down the walls and let people know they are not alone, and to not be ashamed or scared to talk about it.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Alburys 1st Birthday
The first thing I did when I woke up Friday morning was burst out in tears. It was my baby girls first ever birthday, and she wasnt here with us to celebrate. Logan was with my sister and Mike was at work, so I had a shower and let myself cry and be sad for the morning, knowing what I wanted to do the rest of the day, hoping it might get it all out my system.
The weather was horrible, which was only making me feel worse, it was pouring down with rain with crazy strong wind. Alburys teddy was sitting waiting for me to take it to her at the cemetery. I was so frustrated that the weather was like this, the day was already being ruined!
I went and picked up Logan from my sisters and asked to borrow an umbrella, no wind or rain was going to stop me from giving my daughter her birthday present! I drove to the cemetery, put Logan in my sling, let him hold Alburys teddy bear, and we walked to her.
I just cried, told her how much we love her and how much we wanted her here with us, and that I wanted her to have a happy birthday. Logan gave the teddy a kiss, and we gave it to her and walked back to the car.
When Mike got home from work and Logan was in bed for a nap, we sat down and watched her ultrasound video, she was just so amazing, and remembering how excited we were when we went and saw her for the first time was just wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time.
That night we got her birthday cake out and sang happy birthday, Logan had his first ever taste of birthday cake, he was a massive fan. At 7pm we lit 3 candles, one for myself, one for Mike and one for Logan, in memory of our precious little girl. Her birthday card sits proudly with her dads.
I was so happy I was able to do everything I set out to do, I gave my little girl the birthday she deserved. Its not going to get easier as years go by, but I will continue to celebrate her birthday and show Albury that she will always be our little girl, and she will always be loved.
The weather was horrible, which was only making me feel worse, it was pouring down with rain with crazy strong wind. Alburys teddy was sitting waiting for me to take it to her at the cemetery. I was so frustrated that the weather was like this, the day was already being ruined!
I went and picked up Logan from my sisters and asked to borrow an umbrella, no wind or rain was going to stop me from giving my daughter her birthday present! I drove to the cemetery, put Logan in my sling, let him hold Alburys teddy bear, and we walked to her.
I just cried, told her how much we love her and how much we wanted her here with us, and that I wanted her to have a happy birthday. Logan gave the teddy a kiss, and we gave it to her and walked back to the car.
When Mike got home from work and Logan was in bed for a nap, we sat down and watched her ultrasound video, she was just so amazing, and remembering how excited we were when we went and saw her for the first time was just wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time.
That night we got her birthday cake out and sang happy birthday, Logan had his first ever taste of birthday cake, he was a massive fan. At 7pm we lit 3 candles, one for myself, one for Mike and one for Logan, in memory of our precious little girl. Her birthday card sits proudly with her dads.
I was so happy I was able to do everything I set out to do, I gave my little girl the birthday she deserved. Its not going to get easier as years go by, but I will continue to celebrate her birthday and show Albury that she will always be our little girl, and she will always be loved.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Ruining Mikes Birthday
I have a massive fear that I will ruin Mikes Birthday tomorrow, all week I have been thinking about the following day, Alburys Birthday. I havent been able to sleep because I have not been able to switch my brain off, I know what I want to do that day, and I cant stop thinking about it, it makes me so sad to think about having to take Logan to the cemetery to see his sister on her birthday, it makes me cry to think about us singing happy birthday to our dead daughter.
Im so scared that for the rest of Mikes life his birthday will be overshadowed by Alburys. What should be a happy day for him will turn out shit because of how upsetting the next day will be.
I want Mike to have a great day, I want us to have fun, but you cant control how you are going to feel day to day. Im so happy that my wonderful sister has agreed to have Logan for the night as it not only gives Mike and I some alone time to enjoy his big day, but if things go badly, or we are both not dealing well the next morning, at least we both know Logan is being taken care of.
Having Alburys due date so close to Mikes birthday was such a wonderful thing when everything was going so well, but now its just a constant reminder of what we dont have.
Mike is turning 27, Albury should be turning 1, but she is not. I have my fingers crossed that I can suck it up and give Mike the wonderful birthday he deserves.
Im so scared that for the rest of Mikes life his birthday will be overshadowed by Alburys. What should be a happy day for him will turn out shit because of how upsetting the next day will be.
I want Mike to have a great day, I want us to have fun, but you cant control how you are going to feel day to day. Im so happy that my wonderful sister has agreed to have Logan for the night as it not only gives Mike and I some alone time to enjoy his big day, but if things go badly, or we are both not dealing well the next morning, at least we both know Logan is being taken care of.
Having Alburys due date so close to Mikes birthday was such a wonderful thing when everything was going so well, but now its just a constant reminder of what we dont have.
Mike is turning 27, Albury should be turning 1, but she is not. I have my fingers crossed that I can suck it up and give Mike the wonderful birthday he deserves.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Choosing life
It gets to a point sometimes where you have to ask yourself, do I want to continue to live like this? Do I want to continue to drown in my misery, wallow in self pity and alienate myself from the world? The answer isnt always easy.
Some days its easier to just lay in bed and throw a pity party for yourself, just cry and pretend that you are the only person who has ever experienced the pain of loosing a child. I also find these days can keep you sane. Much better than holding in all the emotions and pain until it gets to a point where you cant lock it down anymore. However, its when these days become weeks, months, or even just frequently, that they start to control you, and interfere with how you live your life. This is when you really have to ask those questions.
I chose to live my life, be happy and enjoy what I have. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderfully supportive husband, who loves me even on those days Im crying in bed, I have an extremely understanding family who I can always turn to for help, and most of all, I have a beautiful, happy, healthy, simply gorgeous baby boy Logan.
Yes it is intensely sad that I have lost a daughter, yes I have days where I do nothing but think of the pain that her death caused, but I have so many other things in my life that make me smile, and make me want to enjoy every second I have.
Some days its easier to just lay in bed and throw a pity party for yourself, just cry and pretend that you are the only person who has ever experienced the pain of loosing a child. I also find these days can keep you sane. Much better than holding in all the emotions and pain until it gets to a point where you cant lock it down anymore. However, its when these days become weeks, months, or even just frequently, that they start to control you, and interfere with how you live your life. This is when you really have to ask those questions.
I chose to live my life, be happy and enjoy what I have. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderfully supportive husband, who loves me even on those days Im crying in bed, I have an extremely understanding family who I can always turn to for help, and most of all, I have a beautiful, happy, healthy, simply gorgeous baby boy Logan.
Yes it is intensely sad that I have lost a daughter, yes I have days where I do nothing but think of the pain that her death caused, but I have so many other things in my life that make me smile, and make me want to enjoy every second I have.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Ghosts or Spirits
Do you believe in the spirit world? That we dont leave the world, we stay around once we die to look over and take care of our loved ones. If you do, do you believe that a 19 week "embryo" (I hate that word) could become a spirit? That it had a long enough life to stick around after its death.
The reason I ask this is because on a few occasions, I believe Albury has been with us. When I was pregnant with Logan I went to her grave to talk to her, I asked her to watch over her little brother and to be a good big sister. I believe she listened.
Logan will always stare at one corner of his room. And yes I am aware that babies like to stare at things, looking at lights etc, but this corner is blank, no lights, no pictures, just blank. Whenever he stares at this corner he also calms right down. The other week while I was playing with Logan on the couch, the middle toy of his playmat started swaying, like someone had hit it. This was a little spooky, but I took comfort in believing Albury was just playing with her brothers toys.
The first thing that happened, that made me believe she was around like I had asked was when Logan and I first started saying hello to her on her plaque. I walked over there when Logan was 3 months old, so not focusing on anything, and turned him towards the plaque and said "Good morning Albury", at that moment, he looked directly at her picture, and he smiled, and I cried. It was so touching, and so beautiful.
Now all of these things could be a giant coincidence yes, but, it just might be Albury doing exactly as mummy asked.
The reason I ask this is because on a few occasions, I believe Albury has been with us. When I was pregnant with Logan I went to her grave to talk to her, I asked her to watch over her little brother and to be a good big sister. I believe she listened.
Logan will always stare at one corner of his room. And yes I am aware that babies like to stare at things, looking at lights etc, but this corner is blank, no lights, no pictures, just blank. Whenever he stares at this corner he also calms right down. The other week while I was playing with Logan on the couch, the middle toy of his playmat started swaying, like someone had hit it. This was a little spooky, but I took comfort in believing Albury was just playing with her brothers toys.
The first thing that happened, that made me believe she was around like I had asked was when Logan and I first started saying hello to her on her plaque. I walked over there when Logan was 3 months old, so not focusing on anything, and turned him towards the plaque and said "Good morning Albury", at that moment, he looked directly at her picture, and he smiled, and I cried. It was so touching, and so beautiful.
Now all of these things could be a giant coincidence yes, but, it just might be Albury doing exactly as mummy asked.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Feeding issues
So Logan has always been a good feeder, well since we went onto bottle feeding anyway. When we first introduced solid food to him at the age of 4 months, he gobbled it up! He absolutely LOVES his food, however his love for his bottles seemed to diminish.
Everytime I would offer him his bottle, he would start drinking like normal, then suddenly he would just stop, pull off and turn his head away. I'd offer it to him again, and he would screw his face up as if to say "What? Nooooo, I dont want this, wheres the real food mum?"
I got so paranoid that he wasnt feeding enough, as for the most part, I couldnt get him to drink more than 60-80mls per bottle. Mummy guilt set it, did I give him too much food? Should I have waited longer to introduce solids? But deep down I knew the answers to these questions, of course not!!! He loved his food (he was on 2 meals a day his second week of solid food), we never have had an issue of him refusing food, he has always finished his solid meals. Its just that he had completely lost interest in his formula meals.
We went to the doctor, as his had become very constipated as well. The doctor put Logan on some laxatives, and told me to keep a food diary and come back in 2 weeks. This was comforting and scary all at the same time. I was happy to be getting help, I was terrified of going back and being told my baby was starving and I was a bad mum.
So the diary went on, offered 160ml, took 60ml, offered 4 tablespoons of food, ate all of it, offered 160ml, took 40ml, arghhhhhhh it was awful having to write down the stats. But by the end of the first day I was relieved, yes he was refusing quite a bit, but when I added up the daily total, I didnt think he was doing too bad.
Days past, I would be very content anytime Logan took 100ml+ with a bottle, I felt like doing a victory dance whenever this happened. Logan was still his happy chirpy self, nothing had changed in that respect, but I still stressed.
When we went to the doctor for our 2 week review and I handed the doctor the food diary, my heart stopped, I was so nervous. Then he looked up at me and said "Well, hes doing good, Im very happy with how much he is drinking, and eating, he is doing really well". OMG I could have cried I was so happy, all the mummy guilt just disappeared immediately. We got the all clear to give him 3 solid meals a day, and we go back in another 2 weeks to review again.
So I have a happy little 6 month old (well in 2 days he will be, where did the time go??!) who loves his food, and although has lost a bit of interest in his formula, is still going great guns!
Everytime I would offer him his bottle, he would start drinking like normal, then suddenly he would just stop, pull off and turn his head away. I'd offer it to him again, and he would screw his face up as if to say "What? Nooooo, I dont want this, wheres the real food mum?"
I got so paranoid that he wasnt feeding enough, as for the most part, I couldnt get him to drink more than 60-80mls per bottle. Mummy guilt set it, did I give him too much food? Should I have waited longer to introduce solids? But deep down I knew the answers to these questions, of course not!!! He loved his food (he was on 2 meals a day his second week of solid food), we never have had an issue of him refusing food, he has always finished his solid meals. Its just that he had completely lost interest in his formula meals.
We went to the doctor, as his had become very constipated as well. The doctor put Logan on some laxatives, and told me to keep a food diary and come back in 2 weeks. This was comforting and scary all at the same time. I was happy to be getting help, I was terrified of going back and being told my baby was starving and I was a bad mum.
So the diary went on, offered 160ml, took 60ml, offered 4 tablespoons of food, ate all of it, offered 160ml, took 40ml, arghhhhhhh it was awful having to write down the stats. But by the end of the first day I was relieved, yes he was refusing quite a bit, but when I added up the daily total, I didnt think he was doing too bad.
Days past, I would be very content anytime Logan took 100ml+ with a bottle, I felt like doing a victory dance whenever this happened. Logan was still his happy chirpy self, nothing had changed in that respect, but I still stressed.
When we went to the doctor for our 2 week review and I handed the doctor the food diary, my heart stopped, I was so nervous. Then he looked up at me and said "Well, hes doing good, Im very happy with how much he is drinking, and eating, he is doing really well". OMG I could have cried I was so happy, all the mummy guilt just disappeared immediately. We got the all clear to give him 3 solid meals a day, and we go back in another 2 weeks to review again.
So I have a happy little 6 month old (well in 2 days he will be, where did the time go??!) who loves his food, and although has lost a bit of interest in his formula, is still going great guns!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Alburys Birthday
My little girl would be turning 1 in a little over a month. Thats where my head is at right now.
Its so hard because her due date is a day after Mikes birthday, so a week thats supposed to be exciting and happy, has turned into somewhat of a dark and upsetting time.
Earlier in the year I had decided I will buy Albury a birthday card each year, and blow out a candle on a cupcake for her, but now that the time is coming, I dont know if Ill have the mental or emotional strength to do this. I want to celebrate her, I want to make her feel loved, because she is so much, but having this date looming closer is just so heartbreaking. I want to see her try to blow out the candle, and want to see her unwrap presents. I want my baby girl.
Its so hard because her due date is a day after Mikes birthday, so a week thats supposed to be exciting and happy, has turned into somewhat of a dark and upsetting time.
Earlier in the year I had decided I will buy Albury a birthday card each year, and blow out a candle on a cupcake for her, but now that the time is coming, I dont know if Ill have the mental or emotional strength to do this. I want to celebrate her, I want to make her feel loved, because she is so much, but having this date looming closer is just so heartbreaking. I want to see her try to blow out the candle, and want to see her unwrap presents. I want my baby girl.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
More children?
This question has come up a few times between myself and Mike. After we lost Albury, and in the middle of thinking we might loose Logan when we had the bleed, I thought to myself "I dont know if I can do this again". The loss of Albury was so intense, I couldnt see myself handling loosing my second child, then falling pregnant again. Yes I wanted children badly, I wanted to be a mummy, I wanted to make Mike a daddy, but it was all just so draining emotionally. I thought it might have been natures way of saying to me "this isnt the way you will become a mother". Little did we know we had a little fighter in my tummy, and we didnt have to go thru the pain of loosing a child again.
The question then became, what happens if I have another miscarriage with our 3rd? Do we go on with a 4th knowing that yes it is possible for us to have a happy healthy child? Or do we stop and be happy with Logan and his angel siblings? I have no idea if it will be harder loosing a child when you already have one, and I truely hope I dont have to find out.
When I had my meltdown I decided I didnt want anymore children. Theres no way I wanted to put another child of mine thru what I put Logan thru. There was no way I wanted to go thru it again. It was just so stressful for myself, for Mike and for our families. I couldnt even consider going down that path again. I even got to the point where I couldnt even let Mike touch me as I had a huge fear of falling pregnant again (and yes I am aware how babies are made, but I wasnt in the most rational thinking then).
When Logan pulled me out of my rut, and things started getting better, I still didnt want anymore children, but for different reasons. I was so happy and content, I truely felt complete, I had no need for other children as Logan was enough for me. However I knew Mike wanted more children, and with Logan being such a good baby, he wanted more children even more. It was hard telling him I didnt want anymore, but I think he knew what would happen in the long run.
A few weeks ago I decided that yes, I would love more children. I would be so happy to see Logan running around with a brother or sister, seeing him teach them things, seeing Mike become a daddy again. But I do want Logan to be my only baby for awhile. So we have decided on a time to begin trying again that we were both happy with. (this will not be disclosed), and now we just argue about how many more children to have.
Im sure my mind will continue to change what it wants, but right now Im happy with how the future looks.
The question then became, what happens if I have another miscarriage with our 3rd? Do we go on with a 4th knowing that yes it is possible for us to have a happy healthy child? Or do we stop and be happy with Logan and his angel siblings? I have no idea if it will be harder loosing a child when you already have one, and I truely hope I dont have to find out.
When I had my meltdown I decided I didnt want anymore children. Theres no way I wanted to put another child of mine thru what I put Logan thru. There was no way I wanted to go thru it again. It was just so stressful for myself, for Mike and for our families. I couldnt even consider going down that path again. I even got to the point where I couldnt even let Mike touch me as I had a huge fear of falling pregnant again (and yes I am aware how babies are made, but I wasnt in the most rational thinking then).
When Logan pulled me out of my rut, and things started getting better, I still didnt want anymore children, but for different reasons. I was so happy and content, I truely felt complete, I had no need for other children as Logan was enough for me. However I knew Mike wanted more children, and with Logan being such a good baby, he wanted more children even more. It was hard telling him I didnt want anymore, but I think he knew what would happen in the long run.
A few weeks ago I decided that yes, I would love more children. I would be so happy to see Logan running around with a brother or sister, seeing him teach them things, seeing Mike become a daddy again. But I do want Logan to be my only baby for awhile. So we have decided on a time to begin trying again that we were both happy with. (this will not be disclosed), and now we just argue about how many more children to have.
Im sure my mind will continue to change what it wants, but right now Im happy with how the future looks.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
My boys
Mikes first ever Fathers day has just ended, and it was just perfect. I was just so happy about everything, and Mike was too.
Logan could not have behaved better, we had a wonderful morning the 3 of us, Mike got a sleep in, a nice breakfast, and a HEAP of presents. It was gorgeous seeing my boys sitting together unwrapping the gifts.
We had a lovely lunch at Mikes parents and then a drive up to Numerkah for a night away where my parents were for a week.
Monday was blissful. Watching Logan in the pool with his daddy, just the love between them. Its so obvious, and just beautiful to watch.
I feel like I was on cloud 9 all weekend. It was just wonderful. After all we have been thru together, its so great to see Mike being what he has always wanted to be, a fantastic daddy.
Logan could not have behaved better, we had a wonderful morning the 3 of us, Mike got a sleep in, a nice breakfast, and a HEAP of presents. It was gorgeous seeing my boys sitting together unwrapping the gifts.
We had a lovely lunch at Mikes parents and then a drive up to Numerkah for a night away where my parents were for a week.
Monday was blissful. Watching Logan in the pool with his daddy, just the love between them. Its so obvious, and just beautiful to watch.
I feel like I was on cloud 9 all weekend. It was just wonderful. After all we have been thru together, its so great to see Mike being what he has always wanted to be, a fantastic daddy.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I still have bad days
Although I have come a long way from where I was a few months ago, I will never forget, or truly get over what I have been through. I still have my bad days where I cry for my little girl, I stare at Logan smiling at me and feel so sad that I missed this with my daughter.
I didnt get to give Albury her first bath, I missed out on seeing her smile, hearing her cry, I never got to hold her, or see her out of my tummy. I often feel deep regret with my choice of not giving birth to her, although I know it would have been deeply traumatic, at least I would have felt like I had a moment with her, and event, not just lying on an operating table unconscious, waking to be told she was no longer in my belly.
I know people may find it hard to understand that I refer to a child I never had these moments with my daughter, but thats what she is to me. I saw her at our first ultrasound kicking around in my belly, I felt her move, I heard her heartbeat, she was real, and so was my love for her.
We had bought her toys, I had done paintings for her nursery, and these were the things I hated to see so much after we lost her. But now, they are Logans, a gift from his sister as she no longer needs them. They will hold a special place in my heart, as what once was hers, is now his.
I didnt get to give Albury her first bath, I missed out on seeing her smile, hearing her cry, I never got to hold her, or see her out of my tummy. I often feel deep regret with my choice of not giving birth to her, although I know it would have been deeply traumatic, at least I would have felt like I had a moment with her, and event, not just lying on an operating table unconscious, waking to be told she was no longer in my belly.
I know people may find it hard to understand that I refer to a child I never had these moments with my daughter, but thats what she is to me. I saw her at our first ultrasound kicking around in my belly, I felt her move, I heard her heartbeat, she was real, and so was my love for her.
We had bought her toys, I had done paintings for her nursery, and these were the things I hated to see so much after we lost her. But now, they are Logans, a gift from his sister as she no longer needs them. They will hold a special place in my heart, as what once was hers, is now his.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My little ray of sunshine
Just a quick note today, Logan has been teething, so we are back with sleepless nights, and a cranky baby, however when he looks at me and smiles, there is no other feeling better. Its a complete and utter devotion, love, I become in awe of this wonderful little man I helped create.
I am so lucky to be able to look at my son and have these feelings, almost 3 months have past since what I call my "breakdown", and I dont think I could be in a better place. So many people helped me thru that dark period, and Im truly blessed to have a beautiful angel daughter, a gorgeous son, and a wonderfully supportive husband to share my life with.
I am so lucky to be able to look at my son and have these feelings, almost 3 months have past since what I call my "breakdown", and I dont think I could be in a better place. So many people helped me thru that dark period, and Im truly blessed to have a beautiful angel daughter, a gorgeous son, and a wonderfully supportive husband to share my life with.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
POEM: Dad is a Survivor Too
Another poem we have on Alburys plaque
My dad is a survivor too...
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others.
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night,
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.
My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all~!
But there's times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
and tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heaven's up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love~!
My dad is a survivor too...
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others.
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night,
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.
My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all~!
But there's times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
and tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heaven's up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love~!
POEM: My Mum is a Survivor
This a gorgeous poem that I have on Alburys plaque.
My Mum is a survivor,
or so I’ve heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn’t know I’m with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away…
I watch over my surviving mum,
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others…
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven’s door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.
My mum tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mum
through Heaven’s open door…
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn’t help her…
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her…
and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says…
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mum has a broken heart
that time won’t ever heal.
My Mum is a survivor,
or so I’ve heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn’t know I’m with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away…
I watch over my surviving mum,
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others…
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven’s door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.
My mum tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mum
through Heaven’s open door…
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn’t help her…
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her…
and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says…
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mum has a broken heart
that time won’t ever heal.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Starting to heal
I was finally seeing that things were getting better, I found my love for Logan again, and things were on track for getting even better. I knew that this wasnt just a quick fix, and that if I wanted things to be good for the long term, then I was going to have to confront something I had been avoiding for a long time, Alburys death.
My psychology sessions were my saviour. I got to talk openly about how much the loss of my daughter had affected me, without the fear of it making someone uncomfortable. I spoke about how I get confused about how to answer the question "So is Logan your first child?". I my heart, no he isnt my first child, but I dont want to have that awkward conversation with people and make them feel uncomfortable around me if I said "No, we had a daughter, but she passed away when I was pregnant". So usually I just say yes, then feel guilty later when Im by myself and feel like I havent given Albury the recognition she deserves.
I spoke about how I keep running the pregnancy over and over in my head, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what did I do to make my daughter die?? Did I eat something I wasnt supposed to? Did I work myself too hard? Did I fall or hit my stomach at some stage? Not knowing why Albury passed is one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with. I now know, I will never have the answers, but I know it wasnt my fault, it wasnt Mikes fault, and Im not haunted by these thoughts anymore.
It used to break my heart to hear family talking about how there are no girls in the family, we dont know how to make girls, my parents or inlaws have no granddaughters, only grandsons. I used to bite my tongue and go home and cry. I know know I dont need other people to acknowledge Albury for her to feel special to me. She is my daughter, and I love her, and I dont need to make everyone reconise her as "real" because she is to me. If people speak of her then yes I smile, but I dont need it.
Logan and I say good morning to Albury everyday, I have a plaque on the wall with her Ultrasound photo on it. Logan will grow up knowing he has a big sister who watches over him, and will take care of him. And that thought warms my heart.
My psychology sessions were my saviour. I got to talk openly about how much the loss of my daughter had affected me, without the fear of it making someone uncomfortable. I spoke about how I get confused about how to answer the question "So is Logan your first child?". I my heart, no he isnt my first child, but I dont want to have that awkward conversation with people and make them feel uncomfortable around me if I said "No, we had a daughter, but she passed away when I was pregnant". So usually I just say yes, then feel guilty later when Im by myself and feel like I havent given Albury the recognition she deserves.
I spoke about how I keep running the pregnancy over and over in my head, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what did I do to make my daughter die?? Did I eat something I wasnt supposed to? Did I work myself too hard? Did I fall or hit my stomach at some stage? Not knowing why Albury passed is one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with. I now know, I will never have the answers, but I know it wasnt my fault, it wasnt Mikes fault, and Im not haunted by these thoughts anymore.
It used to break my heart to hear family talking about how there are no girls in the family, we dont know how to make girls, my parents or inlaws have no granddaughters, only grandsons. I used to bite my tongue and go home and cry. I know know I dont need other people to acknowledge Albury for her to feel special to me. She is my daughter, and I love her, and I dont need to make everyone reconise her as "real" because she is to me. If people speak of her then yes I smile, but I dont need it.
Logan and I say good morning to Albury everyday, I have a plaque on the wall with her Ultrasound photo on it. Logan will grow up knowing he has a big sister who watches over him, and will take care of him. And that thought warms my heart.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Fear Sets in
So after having these intensly negative feelings towards Logan I removed myself from him as much as I could, this was not the best decision I made. I became so fearful that I would never get rid of these feelings, I would never be able to smile at my son again, never hold him or touch him with resentment. I ended up becoming so scared of what might happen, that I was unable to find out whether I could be Logans mum again, the one he deserved.
Everyone around me was taking care of Logan, he didnt need me, everyone else was doing the job I was supposed to be doing so easily, why couldnt I do it? Why did it all become to much for me? I kept thinking to myself, dont touch him, you dont want to hurt him do you??? But never in my mind did it occur to me, if I was not wanting to hurt Logan, then those horrible feelings I had before wouldnt be there. I was just too scared to take that chance, so I stayed back, becoming increasing scared that Logan would forget me, and when I got better, he wouldnt want me, he would have to learn who I was all over again.
When I got put into the Mother/Baby unit, I was immediately given Logan to take care of, I was his mum, it was my job to take care of him, and wouldnt you know, I could do it! I could change his nappy, feed him, play with him and those horrible feelings I had that one day were not there anymore.
The massive turning point for me, and the reason I got better so fast was all due to Logan. He was on the floor, playing around, and I was sitting next to him, he spotted me and looked in my eyes and smiled at me, with a smile that said "There you are mum! Where have you been hiding?!" I just cried, he knew me, he loved me, and I loved him. My mind clicked, what was I doing?????? Wasting all this time feeling scared I might do something, when I could have been enjoying my life with my son!
From that point everything was different, even on our bad days I remember what we went thru, and remind myself how lucky I am to be where I am today with the life I have, and the people surrounding me.
Everyone around me was taking care of Logan, he didnt need me, everyone else was doing the job I was supposed to be doing so easily, why couldnt I do it? Why did it all become to much for me? I kept thinking to myself, dont touch him, you dont want to hurt him do you??? But never in my mind did it occur to me, if I was not wanting to hurt Logan, then those horrible feelings I had before wouldnt be there. I was just too scared to take that chance, so I stayed back, becoming increasing scared that Logan would forget me, and when I got better, he wouldnt want me, he would have to learn who I was all over again.
When I got put into the Mother/Baby unit, I was immediately given Logan to take care of, I was his mum, it was my job to take care of him, and wouldnt you know, I could do it! I could change his nappy, feed him, play with him and those horrible feelings I had that one day were not there anymore.
The massive turning point for me, and the reason I got better so fast was all due to Logan. He was on the floor, playing around, and I was sitting next to him, he spotted me and looked in my eyes and smiled at me, with a smile that said "There you are mum! Where have you been hiding?!" I just cried, he knew me, he loved me, and I loved him. My mind clicked, what was I doing?????? Wasting all this time feeling scared I might do something, when I could have been enjoying my life with my son!
From that point everything was different, even on our bad days I remember what we went thru, and remind myself how lucky I am to be where I am today with the life I have, and the people surrounding me.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
My slip into the darkness (very truthful, might be hard to read or understand for some people)
So throughout the first few weeks of Logans life I was doing fine, if I had a meltdown it was due to lack of sleep and exhaustion, and wouldnt last long, Id cry and tell Logan I was sorry he didnt have a better mummy, then an hour later I would have no idea what I was on about, I was doing a fine job!!
It wasnt until the anniversary of Alburys death that things started getting bad. All that I could think of was that if Albury hadnt died, Logan would never had been born, if my first pregnancy was successful I would be holding my 6 month old baby girl, not my 7 week old baby boy. If I was happy that Logan was here with me, did that mean I was happy Albury had died??? If I told Logan I loved him, would it mean I didnt love Albury? These thoughts took over me so much that I started to resent Logan for being here, I would look at him and get angry, I would be feeding him and get so frustrated I was wanted anyone to come and take him from me. I didnt want to touch him, I didnt want him near me, I even think at one stage I told Mike I didnt love Logan and I wanted someone to just take him away, I didnt want to be his mum.
One morning Mike left for work and I got up to feed Logan, my skin started to crawl and the frustration just started to build up so much, I wanted Logan away from me, I felt like I wanted to just throw him across the room just so I didnt have to touch him. This is when I burst into tears, I knew these thoughts were horrible, but if I was having these thoughts 10 mins after Mike had left for work, what was going to happen over the rest of the day??? I put Logan down and called my mum and told her everything I was feeling, she told me to put Logan in his roon, close the door, and walk away from him. So I did. She told me to call the Northern CAT team, and tell them exactly what I had told her, and that she was on her way to come be by my side, she would call my sister Victoria to get her to come up to me straight away so I wouldnt be alone with Logan.
I got off the phone to mum and called the CAT team, and explained everything, they said they would be at my house within the next couple of hours.
That day from that point is just a blur, I was feeling soooo horrible for feeling the way I was, but I knew I needed help. The CAT team were wonderful, they didnt make me feel like I was the worst person in the world (I was feeling that myself, without help), They told me I had a severe case of Post-natal depression and put me straight onto some anti-depressants and some sleeping tablets for night time. They explained that someone from Child First would be coming up to see me, someone from the Enhanced Maternal Child Heath would also be coming to see me, and that some psychology sessions would be set up for me. The help was overwhelming, in an instant I had a whole team of people taken care of me and Logan.
My family were great at this early time, stood by me the whole way, I thank them so much for that
It wasnt until the anniversary of Alburys death that things started getting bad. All that I could think of was that if Albury hadnt died, Logan would never had been born, if my first pregnancy was successful I would be holding my 6 month old baby girl, not my 7 week old baby boy. If I was happy that Logan was here with me, did that mean I was happy Albury had died??? If I told Logan I loved him, would it mean I didnt love Albury? These thoughts took over me so much that I started to resent Logan for being here, I would look at him and get angry, I would be feeding him and get so frustrated I was wanted anyone to come and take him from me. I didnt want to touch him, I didnt want him near me, I even think at one stage I told Mike I didnt love Logan and I wanted someone to just take him away, I didnt want to be his mum.
One morning Mike left for work and I got up to feed Logan, my skin started to crawl and the frustration just started to build up so much, I wanted Logan away from me, I felt like I wanted to just throw him across the room just so I didnt have to touch him. This is when I burst into tears, I knew these thoughts were horrible, but if I was having these thoughts 10 mins after Mike had left for work, what was going to happen over the rest of the day??? I put Logan down and called my mum and told her everything I was feeling, she told me to put Logan in his roon, close the door, and walk away from him. So I did. She told me to call the Northern CAT team, and tell them exactly what I had told her, and that she was on her way to come be by my side, she would call my sister Victoria to get her to come up to me straight away so I wouldnt be alone with Logan.
I got off the phone to mum and called the CAT team, and explained everything, they said they would be at my house within the next couple of hours.
That day from that point is just a blur, I was feeling soooo horrible for feeling the way I was, but I knew I needed help. The CAT team were wonderful, they didnt make me feel like I was the worst person in the world (I was feeling that myself, without help), They told me I had a severe case of Post-natal depression and put me straight onto some anti-depressants and some sleeping tablets for night time. They explained that someone from Child First would be coming up to see me, someone from the Enhanced Maternal Child Heath would also be coming to see me, and that some psychology sessions would be set up for me. The help was overwhelming, in an instant I had a whole team of people taken care of me and Logan.
My family were great at this early time, stood by me the whole way, I thank them so much for that
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
It all started so well
Everything in the beginning was so good, yes Mike and I had our meltdowns every so often, but we were adjusting to a new life, and new routine, no sleep, crying baby, less "us" time, but we were doing well. We were enjoying our new life, we were enjoying being parents, and enjoying watching one another being parents.
I had issues with breast feeding early on, in the hospital Logan lost slightly more weight than what was appropriate, but the midwives were all happy with how I was feeding him, and thought if we got hi tongue snipped (he was born with a tongue tie), then he could attach easier, so when he was about 6 days old, we got it snipped. It didnt do anything, and the feeding issues got worse, he would attach and pull off, the attach again, then pull off again, it was starting to cause me heaps of pain. If I did eventually get him to attach and stay attached he would eat for a bit, then fall asleep, his weight kept dropping, not by huge amounts, but enough to have me worrying.
I went to breast feeding clinic when he was 8 days old, I was put on a plan of limiting breast feeding to 20 mins, then top up with a bottle, and express afterwards. This was exhausting!! By the time we went back to the breast feeding clinic I had given up on the expressing, and my milk supply had been dropping heavily. HOWEVER Logan finally had a good weight gain, and was taking to being bottle fed quite well. The midwives gave me a prescription for something to boost my milk supply, but my mind was made up, Logan liked the bottle, and he did well on the bottle, so thats what he was going to have. I gave it 2 weeks of trying to get him to stay on the breast, but I just wanted my son to be healthy and happy, and if formula was going to do that for him, then formula it was!
Id have my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I would feel like I had everything under control, other times I would feel like I was the biggest disappointment to motherhood there could be. But even on those bad days I would look at Logan and all those bad feelings would just melt away, he was so worth the sleep deprivation.
I had issues with breast feeding early on, in the hospital Logan lost slightly more weight than what was appropriate, but the midwives were all happy with how I was feeding him, and thought if we got hi tongue snipped (he was born with a tongue tie), then he could attach easier, so when he was about 6 days old, we got it snipped. It didnt do anything, and the feeding issues got worse, he would attach and pull off, the attach again, then pull off again, it was starting to cause me heaps of pain. If I did eventually get him to attach and stay attached he would eat for a bit, then fall asleep, his weight kept dropping, not by huge amounts, but enough to have me worrying.
I went to breast feeding clinic when he was 8 days old, I was put on a plan of limiting breast feeding to 20 mins, then top up with a bottle, and express afterwards. This was exhausting!! By the time we went back to the breast feeding clinic I had given up on the expressing, and my milk supply had been dropping heavily. HOWEVER Logan finally had a good weight gain, and was taking to being bottle fed quite well. The midwives gave me a prescription for something to boost my milk supply, but my mind was made up, Logan liked the bottle, and he did well on the bottle, so thats what he was going to have. I gave it 2 weeks of trying to get him to stay on the breast, but I just wanted my son to be healthy and happy, and if formula was going to do that for him, then formula it was!
Id have my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I would feel like I had everything under control, other times I would feel like I was the biggest disappointment to motherhood there could be. But even on those bad days I would look at Logan and all those bad feelings would just melt away, he was so worth the sleep deprivation.
Logan John Corrigan
It didnt take us long to figure out a name for our son, when we were pregnant with Albury we had decided on names, so even before Logan was conceived, he had his name.
We both wanted names that were known, but not common. And we wanted names that meant something to us. Mike is a massive comic book nerd, and one of the things we both bonded over during our relationship was Marvel comics. We both loved X-Men, and our favourite character was Wolverine whose real name is Logan. Instantly we knew that would be our sons name.
When we had the bleeding at 7 weeks, and we had found out that our baby was still alive, we sat in the room saying "If our baby is a boy, his name is perfect, little indestructible baby", and we hummed the X-Men theme song. Very dorky yes.
John was important to us for many reasons, the first being it is my fathers name. He has been such a huge, important part of my life and I couldnt think of a better was of showing how much he meant to me, then naming my son after him. John is also the name of the first Corrigan on Mikes family tree, as well as his best friends middle name.
And now you will have to wait until we have another girl or boy to find out what the names are for them!
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Birth of our Son
The morning of our sons birth was full of mixed emotions, we were so excited, so nervous, were we really ready to be parents???? Had we got everything we needed? Will we ever sleep again (answer is yes, in small bursts).
We got to the hospital and booked in at 7am, and the waiting began. We sat in the waiting room until our names were called and we got taken into a little room to speak to a midwife about what exactly was going to happen today. She went thru step by step what would be going on, telling us when we hear a noise that sounds like a milk frothing machine, thats our cue to grab our camera because our boy is about to be pulled out! The anesthetists came in and spoke to us about what his role was, and made us very comfortable with what would be happening.
We had our final ultrasound to make sure bubs was still breech, and thank god he was!! I dont think I would have been able to go home without my son that day!!
I got changed into my very flattering hospital gown, and Mike and I sat in the waiting room, ready to be called in. And we waited, and waited, and for fun, we waited some more. We were told 3 or 4 times that the operating theater we were to be using was in use, one emergency c-sec after another, so our go kept getting pushed back, further and further. Then the midwife came back into the room, and said we could go into our room on the maternity ward, as it could still be sometime, so we got taken up, and waited in our room for about 10 minutes before a man came in and said the doctors we waiting for me! It was so strange, even though we had been waiting for sooo long, when the man told us everything was ready, it seemed to be happening so quickly.
We got taken down to the operating theater, and I went in to get my spinal/epidural while Mike went to get changed into his scrubs. I was SO nervous about a needle going into my spine, but the doctors and midwives were so incredibly and made me feel so at ease and relaxed. I had the needle, laid down and everything went numb, then I started to feel sick. I was dizzy and I want to vomit, my blood pressure was dropping, so the midwives put the bed on an angle, and held something in front of me to throw up into. My head stopped spinning, and everything went back to normal again, then Mike came in, smiled at me, and took a seat by my head and held my hand.
The whole time Mike and I were just staring at each other, smiling, telling one another how much we loved each other other, how excited we were, our son was on his way! The milk frothing sound started, and Mike panicked , he really didnt want to look over at what was going on the other side of the curtain, but I really wanted photos of our son emerging. Luckily for both of us, one of the midwives came over and offered to take the photos for us.
There was lots of pressure, pushing, tugging, then the doctor told me our sons head was stuck, so there was a few more larger more aggressive tugs, and there he was!!
The crying began, and it was beautiful, there was my boy, being held in front of me, he got taken over to the side of the room to be quickly checked over, put they had cameras set up with a tv screen on the ceiling so I could watch everything that was going on. He was gorgeous, I had tears in my eyes, I felt instant love for my boy, I got my first cuddle, and just soaked in all the love I was feeling. I watched Mike cut the cord and dress our baby boy, then got our first family photo taken.
I was taken into recovery, where unfortunately I was for a couple of hours instead of 20 minutes as the top up spinal they were trying to give me was not working as it should. Mike was under strict instructions as to not let any family see or hold our boy until I was back in the room and got to have 20 minutes of just the 3 of us. I didnt want anyone else having a cuddle until I got a proper one!
I finally got back to my room and was nearly in tears because I had been away from my new baby boy for 2 hours!!! I finally got proper cuddles, and family were finally allowed to come in and see our gorgeous boy.
In spite of all the little hiccups throughout the day, March 24th 2010 was a perfect day, and one I will never forget
We got to the hospital and booked in at 7am, and the waiting began. We sat in the waiting room until our names were called and we got taken into a little room to speak to a midwife about what exactly was going to happen today. She went thru step by step what would be going on, telling us when we hear a noise that sounds like a milk frothing machine, thats our cue to grab our camera because our boy is about to be pulled out! The anesthetists came in and spoke to us about what his role was, and made us very comfortable with what would be happening.
We had our final ultrasound to make sure bubs was still breech, and thank god he was!! I dont think I would have been able to go home without my son that day!!
I got changed into my very flattering hospital gown, and Mike and I sat in the waiting room, ready to be called in. And we waited, and waited, and for fun, we waited some more. We were told 3 or 4 times that the operating theater we were to be using was in use, one emergency c-sec after another, so our go kept getting pushed back, further and further. Then the midwife came back into the room, and said we could go into our room on the maternity ward, as it could still be sometime, so we got taken up, and waited in our room for about 10 minutes before a man came in and said the doctors we waiting for me! It was so strange, even though we had been waiting for sooo long, when the man told us everything was ready, it seemed to be happening so quickly.
We got taken down to the operating theater, and I went in to get my spinal/epidural while Mike went to get changed into his scrubs. I was SO nervous about a needle going into my spine, but the doctors and midwives were so incredibly and made me feel so at ease and relaxed. I had the needle, laid down and everything went numb, then I started to feel sick. I was dizzy and I want to vomit, my blood pressure was dropping, so the midwives put the bed on an angle, and held something in front of me to throw up into. My head stopped spinning, and everything went back to normal again, then Mike came in, smiled at me, and took a seat by my head and held my hand.
The whole time Mike and I were just staring at each other, smiling, telling one another how much we loved each other other, how excited we were, our son was on his way! The milk frothing sound started, and Mike panicked , he really didnt want to look over at what was going on the other side of the curtain, but I really wanted photos of our son emerging. Luckily for both of us, one of the midwives came over and offered to take the photos for us.
There was lots of pressure, pushing, tugging, then the doctor told me our sons head was stuck, so there was a few more larger more aggressive tugs, and there he was!!
The crying began, and it was beautiful, there was my boy, being held in front of me, he got taken over to the side of the room to be quickly checked over, put they had cameras set up with a tv screen on the ceiling so I could watch everything that was going on. He was gorgeous, I had tears in my eyes, I felt instant love for my boy, I got my first cuddle, and just soaked in all the love I was feeling. I watched Mike cut the cord and dress our baby boy, then got our first family photo taken.
I was taken into recovery, where unfortunately I was for a couple of hours instead of 20 minutes as the top up spinal they were trying to give me was not working as it should. Mike was under strict instructions as to not let any family see or hold our boy until I was back in the room and got to have 20 minutes of just the 3 of us. I didnt want anyone else having a cuddle until I got a proper one!
I finally got back to my room and was nearly in tears because I had been away from my new baby boy for 2 hours!!! I finally got proper cuddles, and family were finally allowed to come in and see our gorgeous boy.
In spite of all the little hiccups throughout the day, March 24th 2010 was a perfect day, and one I will never forget
Friday, June 25, 2010
The second half of my pregnancy
So at our 20 week ultrasound it was found that the right kidney valve of our baby was slightly bigger than it should be, doctors told us it was nothing to be too worried about as it was very common, especially in boys, and shouldnt have major or long term effects, but we were booked in for another ultrasound at 32 weeks to see how things were looking then. This was almost a blessing for me, as it meant I got to see my baby again before he was born and make sure everything was still ok.
The ultrasound came along and the valve was fine, however THIS time they had discovered that I was holding a lot more fluid around bubs than I should be, apparently this could cause premature labour (this was proven COMPLETELY wrong). I was seen by a doctor who told me I would need weekly monitoring to make sure our baby was doing ok, and that the fluid wasnt getting too out of control, if my waters were to break than I had to come straight to the hospital, this was a very strange thing to be hearing at 32 weeks pregnant, no way was I prepared to have this baby yet!
The following weeks past and everything was fairly normal, extra fluid stayed the same for the most part, I was measuring around 38-39 weeks for pretty much the last 8 weeks of the pregancy (no wonder I could hardly walk anymore!) but bubs was happy and safe. Around 34 weeks the doctor talked to us about the possibility of us having a caesarean birth as bubs had decided to be bum down. I was not at all happy, no way did I want this to happen. The next week bubs was head down so discussions ended, however at 36 weeks, he was breech again. I tried everything I could to make him turn, but it didnt work and the caesarean was booked for the 26th of March. I decided that as this was going to happen, I would make the most of it, and try to make it a very positive experience for all of us. 38 weeks came around, and what do you know, bubs was head down again! The doctor gave us the option of keeping the caesarean, or canceling it. We decided to cancel it. I had mixed feeling about this as I had finally gotten used to the idea that the 26th of March was going to be the day we have our son.
39 weeks came, and we had our weekly ultrasound, and discovered our son was breech yet again. Little bugger just wanted to keep everyone guessing till the end. When we told the doctor he didnt know what to do as we had already canceled the caesarean, so he went to talk with another doctor who came into the room and asked Mike and I if we had any objections to the following day being our sons birthday. It was so exciting, and nerve wracking, we were going to be having our son in 24 hours....
The ultrasound came along and the valve was fine, however THIS time they had discovered that I was holding a lot more fluid around bubs than I should be, apparently this could cause premature labour (this was proven COMPLETELY wrong). I was seen by a doctor who told me I would need weekly monitoring to make sure our baby was doing ok, and that the fluid wasnt getting too out of control, if my waters were to break than I had to come straight to the hospital, this was a very strange thing to be hearing at 32 weeks pregnant, no way was I prepared to have this baby yet!
The following weeks past and everything was fairly normal, extra fluid stayed the same for the most part, I was measuring around 38-39 weeks for pretty much the last 8 weeks of the pregancy (no wonder I could hardly walk anymore!) but bubs was happy and safe. Around 34 weeks the doctor talked to us about the possibility of us having a caesarean birth as bubs had decided to be bum down. I was not at all happy, no way did I want this to happen. The next week bubs was head down so discussions ended, however at 36 weeks, he was breech again. I tried everything I could to make him turn, but it didnt work and the caesarean was booked for the 26th of March. I decided that as this was going to happen, I would make the most of it, and try to make it a very positive experience for all of us. 38 weeks came around, and what do you know, bubs was head down again! The doctor gave us the option of keeping the caesarean, or canceling it. We decided to cancel it. I had mixed feeling about this as I had finally gotten used to the idea that the 26th of March was going to be the day we have our son.
39 weeks came, and we had our weekly ultrasound, and discovered our son was breech yet again. Little bugger just wanted to keep everyone guessing till the end. When we told the doctor he didnt know what to do as we had already canceled the caesarean, so he went to talk with another doctor who came into the room and asked Mike and I if we had any objections to the following day being our sons birthday. It was so exciting, and nerve wracking, we were going to be having our son in 24 hours....
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The start of my second pregnancy
Mike and I were so happy to be pregnant again, our dream of holding our child in our arms was once again becoming a reality. But we didn't want to let ourselves get too excited, we had huge fears that we would lose this baby too. There was no reason to why we lost Albury, therefore in our minds there was no reason why this baby would stay alive either.
When I was 7 weeks pregnant it seemed our fears had come true, while at work in Yarrawonga I had a fairly large bleed. Mike had to explain what had happened to our supervisor as no one at that point even knew we were expecting again. We went to the local hospital, but they decided as it was so early on, it would be best to just wait it out. So back to work we went, not knowing whether our baby was alive or dead. The following night right before going to bed my bleeding became heavy again. We went to the hospital where they took some blood, and we waited, and waited. Finally a doctor came and said my hormone levels were still alright, so there was a chance our baby was still alive, my cervix was still shut tight, and an ultrasound was booked for the following day. Mike and I went home with some hope, but still a lot of fear. The next day we had the ultrasound, and there was our baby, our little blob with a flickering heartbeat, our child was alive, we still had our baby.
I didn't have morning sickness with my second pregnancy, neither did I suffer from migraines like my first, and although I had lost Albury during my first pregnancy, the fact I didn't have these symptoms scared me. I didn't feel pregnant. Just before I was 14 weeks, I had yet another bleed, and once again, I thought it was all over. But once again, we saw our baby, heartbeat flickering away.
The lead up to the 20 week scan was horrible, we were so scared history would repeat itself. But we went there, the ultrasound started and straight away we could see our baby was safe. Everything was perfect, and we were having a boy!! We could finally relax and start to enjoy the pregnancy, the hard part was over. Or at least we thought it was
When I was 7 weeks pregnant it seemed our fears had come true, while at work in Yarrawonga I had a fairly large bleed. Mike had to explain what had happened to our supervisor as no one at that point even knew we were expecting again. We went to the local hospital, but they decided as it was so early on, it would be best to just wait it out. So back to work we went, not knowing whether our baby was alive or dead. The following night right before going to bed my bleeding became heavy again. We went to the hospital where they took some blood, and we waited, and waited. Finally a doctor came and said my hormone levels were still alright, so there was a chance our baby was still alive, my cervix was still shut tight, and an ultrasound was booked for the following day. Mike and I went home with some hope, but still a lot of fear. The next day we had the ultrasound, and there was our baby, our little blob with a flickering heartbeat, our child was alive, we still had our baby.
I didn't have morning sickness with my second pregnancy, neither did I suffer from migraines like my first, and although I had lost Albury during my first pregnancy, the fact I didn't have these symptoms scared me. I didn't feel pregnant. Just before I was 14 weeks, I had yet another bleed, and once again, I thought it was all over. But once again, we saw our baby, heartbeat flickering away.
The lead up to the 20 week scan was horrible, we were so scared history would repeat itself. But we went there, the ultrasound started and straight away we could see our baby was safe. Everything was perfect, and we were having a boy!! We could finally relax and start to enjoy the pregnancy, the hard part was over. Or at least we thought it was
Wanting our baby
The following month or so after our baby's death was a whirlwind of emotion. Every time I put my hand on my stomach to give my baby a mummy hug, I would remember there was nothing there anymore. Every time we went out it seemed like everyone had children or were pregnant, all the baby furniture, toys and clothes we had bought or were given for our baby were all just a constant reminder of what we had lost, what was taken from us with no good reason.
An autopsy was done on our baby, we wanted to know why we had lost our child, but more than that we wanted to know the sex of our baby, and unfortunately due to the state of our child when they were taken out of me, they could not tell without some DNA/genetic testing. We soon discovered that no reason for our baby's death was found. It was "just one of those things", I hated hearing that, it was so aloof, like it didn't matter. MY BABY DIED. I went thru every aspect of my pregnancy thru my head, looking for a reason, and to this day I cant think of anything that might have caused my baby's death. My baby just slipped into a constant sleep.
It took so long to get the results of the gender test back, it was so hard waiting. We didn't want to bury our baby until we knew the sex as we wanted to name our child and give them a proper burial. We had decided that if we had a boy he would be named Declan, and if we had a girl she would be Albury. But it was extremely difficult thinking about our baby's body just lying somewhere in a hospital waiting to be put to rest. Finally we got the phone call, we had assumed we were having a boy throughout the pregnancy, as everyone in our family had boys, so when the nurse told us we had a little girl, I was shocked. the first granddaughter for both my parents and Mikes parents was gone, we had the first girl of the families, and we had lost our little Albury.
We were told by doctors to wait at least 3 months before trying again, not just for physical reasons, but emotionally too. But we just couldn't wait, we wanted a baby, we wanted to fill that void so badly. Looking back now I know we should have waited longer, healed more before having another baby, but there was no way anyone could have told us to wait. July, we found out we were expecting again.
An autopsy was done on our baby, we wanted to know why we had lost our child, but more than that we wanted to know the sex of our baby, and unfortunately due to the state of our child when they were taken out of me, they could not tell without some DNA/genetic testing. We soon discovered that no reason for our baby's death was found. It was "just one of those things", I hated hearing that, it was so aloof, like it didn't matter. MY BABY DIED. I went thru every aspect of my pregnancy thru my head, looking for a reason, and to this day I cant think of anything that might have caused my baby's death. My baby just slipped into a constant sleep.
It took so long to get the results of the gender test back, it was so hard waiting. We didn't want to bury our baby until we knew the sex as we wanted to name our child and give them a proper burial. We had decided that if we had a boy he would be named Declan, and if we had a girl she would be Albury. But it was extremely difficult thinking about our baby's body just lying somewhere in a hospital waiting to be put to rest. Finally we got the phone call, we had assumed we were having a boy throughout the pregnancy, as everyone in our family had boys, so when the nurse told us we had a little girl, I was shocked. the first granddaughter for both my parents and Mikes parents was gone, we had the first girl of the families, and we had lost our little Albury.
We were told by doctors to wait at least 3 months before trying again, not just for physical reasons, but emotionally too. But we just couldn't wait, we wanted a baby, we wanted to fill that void so badly. Looking back now I know we should have waited longer, healed more before having another baby, but there was no way anyone could have told us to wait. July, we found out we were expecting again.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The Death of our Daughter
After finding out our baby was dead, the day became a blur. Making those horrible phone calls to family to tell them what had happened, just holding each other and crying, and being told what steps were to be taken now. It was explained to us that as I was under 20 weeks, I could decide whether or not I wanted to be induced and give birth to our baby, or if I would rather go under general anesthetic and have a curette. If I chose to have a curette they would have to cut our baby in order to get them out of me. I was so torn, I hated the idea of my baby being cut up inside me, but I didn't know whether I was mentally strong enough to give birth knowing that I wouldn't hear my baby cry when they came out, knowing I was pushing out my deceased child.
Even though I hated the two choices I was given, I had to chose one. I felt so guilty, but I felt for the sake of my mental health, I would opt for the curette. Almost everyone from our 2 families came to the hospital that day, they gathered around Mike and I in the emergency room while we waited for the operation to be ready for me. The love and support we felt that day was just amazing, there is no way I would ever have gotten thru this experience if it wasn't for our families and friends supporting us.
When we were told everything was ready I got really nervous, this was going to be the last time I would have my baby in my belly, the last time they would be a part of me. I held my tummy and I said goodbye. Mike held my hand and we told told each other how much we loved each other and we had one last kiss before I got wheeled away into the operating theater.
I woke up in recovery and was told the operation went well. I remember thinking "How did it go well?? My baby was dead!". Mike came into the room and we just held each other. We got taken to my room for the night and Mike stayed by my side. There was no way any of the hospital staff were going to tell Mike to go home after what we had gone thru. They bought in a trundle bed and some extra blankets for him, and in the middle of the night when I broke down in tears again, he was there, holding me.
Mike in every way shape and form is my soul mate, he has seen me at my lowest, and at my highest. We have gone thru tremendously happy moments together, and unfortunately some extremely sad moments. But throughout it all our love has grown deeper and stronger.
Even though I hated the two choices I was given, I had to chose one. I felt so guilty, but I felt for the sake of my mental health, I would opt for the curette. Almost everyone from our 2 families came to the hospital that day, they gathered around Mike and I in the emergency room while we waited for the operation to be ready for me. The love and support we felt that day was just amazing, there is no way I would ever have gotten thru this experience if it wasn't for our families and friends supporting us.
When we were told everything was ready I got really nervous, this was going to be the last time I would have my baby in my belly, the last time they would be a part of me. I held my tummy and I said goodbye. Mike held my hand and we told told each other how much we loved each other and we had one last kiss before I got wheeled away into the operating theater.
I woke up in recovery and was told the operation went well. I remember thinking "How did it go well?? My baby was dead!". Mike came into the room and we just held each other. We got taken to my room for the night and Mike stayed by my side. There was no way any of the hospital staff were going to tell Mike to go home after what we had gone thru. They bought in a trundle bed and some extra blankets for him, and in the middle of the night when I broke down in tears again, he was there, holding me.
Mike in every way shape and form is my soul mate, he has seen me at my lowest, and at my highest. We have gone thru tremendously happy moments together, and unfortunately some extremely sad moments. But throughout it all our love has grown deeper and stronger.
My first pregnancy
My first pregnancy is what I would consider a "normal" or "typical" pregnancy, I had morning sickness, my boobs were sore, I was tired and I got migraines. But I loved every minute of it, as feeling that crappy was due to the fact I had our baby growing inside me.
At 13 weeks we had our first ultrasound, it was magical, seeing our baby up on that screen wriggling around, it just really made the situation all the more real. That was our child, we had made him or her and they were really on they're way. We were so amazed at how much our baby looked like a baby at just 13 weeks, we weren't expecting everything to be so developed. We showed off the video of the ultrasound to everyone, just gushing at out tiny bubs. It was one of the best days of my life. Just seeing my baby and knowing that what I have wanted for so long, was actually happening to me.
At all of our doctor appointments our baby was heathy and happy, at 16 weeks I got to hear the heartbeat, it was so surreal. Everything was going so smoothly. We never thought things would change so dramatically so quickly.
On the 21st of May 2009, I was 19 weeks pregnant and Mike and I were in the waiting room waiting for our morphology ultrasound. We were still trying to decide whether or not to find out the sex of our baby (we had originally said no, but I was having second thoughts), but we came to the agreement that we wanted to have that "movie moment" of the announcement when our baby was born, so we would not find out today. We finally got called in and everything got started. The gel was put on my belly and the ultrasound began. The man didn't really say much to begin with, but I figured because he was male, maybe he just wasn't as excited or talkative as a female when it came to doing the ultrasounds. Mike and I both started to get a bit nervous, when the man turned to us and said he would be back in a minute, he just had to get a colleague of his, and he walked out the room. I turned to Mike with tears in my eyes, we just looked at each other, we both knew something was wrong.
The man came back in with a woman and they stared up the ultrasound again, they were taking measurements of our baby and according to the measurement, our baby was only measuring at 17 weeks instead of 19. I kept thinking to myself "PLEASE can our baby just be small, I can deal with a small baby, please.....". Mike finally asked if there was something wrong, and thats when we were told, there was no movement, no heartbeat, our baby was gone.
Deciding to become parents
Mike and I always wanted kids, I desperately wanted to be a mother, my dream was so be able to stay at home and take care of all my children (I wanted 3 or 4, Mike agreed to 3), but due to money there was no way this dream could come true for me. I starting saving my money so I could at least have a good amount of time off when it came time to us having a family.
While we were away for work in January 2009, we decided that we were ready and we wanted to start our family, and what do you know, a month later we found out we were expecting our first child.
We were so excited and idealistic, not knowing all the issues we were going to go thru for the next 12+ months.
I was going to be that typical cliche mum, baking cookies, doing crafts, mending clothes, and Mike was excited about teaching his children how to play video-games. I thought this was the role I was born to do, there was nothing better! I would be so happy to give up work and be home with my baby. But I was so incredibly wrong. Our journey wasn't easy, and its still not. But hopefully one day, we will get to experience everything we had originally dreamed about.
Introduction
Ok, so my road to becoming a mum has not been an easy one, and now that I have a healthy happy son, things have not become easier for me like I thought they would. Too many people go thru the bad things in life alone, never discussing with people around them how they are feeling or what they're going thru, its always an edited upbeat version as to not make people around them uncomfortable. So I have decided to share my journey with everyone to let those who are struggling know that they are not alone, and to try to get people to really open up and talk about how they're really feeling, good and bad.
Ive been thru happy times of seeing my child up on the ultrasound screen playing around and waving, to a completely traumatic time of seeing no movement on that screen and being told my baby had died. I looked at my son when he was born and instantly fell in love, but I have also recently looked at him and felt nothing but resentment. Ive been a happy loving mum, but now Ive been diagnosed as a mum with post-natal depression. I want to share my journey of becoming a mother, and my journey of being a mother with PND. I hope we can all learn to be open and discuss these things that are never easy to talk about.
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