Wanting our baby

The following month or so after our baby's death was a whirlwind of emotion. Every time I put my hand on my stomach to give my baby a mummy hug, I would remember there was nothing there anymore. Every time we went out it seemed like everyone had children or were pregnant, all the baby furniture, toys and clothes we had bought or were given for our baby were all just a constant reminder of what we had lost, what was taken from us with no good reason.

An autopsy was done on our baby, we wanted to know why we had lost our child, but more than that we wanted to know the sex of our baby, and unfortunately due to the state of our child when they were taken out of me, they could not tell without some DNA/genetic testing. We soon discovered that no reason for our baby's death was found. It was "just one of those things", I hated hearing that, it was so aloof, like it didn't matter. MY BABY DIED. I went thru every aspect of my pregnancy thru my head, looking for a reason, and to this day I cant think of anything that might have caused my baby's death. My baby just slipped into a constant sleep.

It took so long to get the results of the gender test back, it was so hard waiting. We didn't want to bury our baby until we knew the sex as we wanted to name our child and give them a proper burial. We had decided that if we had a boy he would be named Declan, and if we had a girl she would be Albury. But it was extremely difficult thinking about our baby's body just lying somewhere in a hospital waiting to be put to rest. Finally we got the phone call, we had assumed we were having a boy throughout the pregnancy, as everyone in our family had boys, so when the nurse told us we had a little girl, I was shocked. the first granddaughter for both my parents and Mikes parents was gone, we had the first girl of the families, and we had lost our little Albury.

We were told by doctors to wait at least 3 months before trying again, not just for physical reasons, but emotionally too. But we just couldn't wait, we wanted a baby, we wanted to fill that void so badly. Looking back now I know we should have waited longer, healed more before having another baby, but there was no way anyone could have told us to wait. July, we found out we were expecting again.