So after having these intensly negative feelings towards Logan I removed myself from him as much as I could, this was not the best decision I made. I became so fearful that I would never get rid of these feelings, I would never be able to smile at my son again, never hold him or touch him with resentment. I ended up becoming so scared of what might happen, that I was unable to find out whether I could be Logans mum again, the one he deserved.
Everyone around me was taking care of Logan, he didnt need me, everyone else was doing the job I was supposed to be doing so easily, why couldnt I do it? Why did it all become to much for me? I kept thinking to myself, dont touch him, you dont want to hurt him do you??? But never in my mind did it occur to me, if I was not wanting to hurt Logan, then those horrible feelings I had before wouldnt be there. I was just too scared to take that chance, so I stayed back, becoming increasing scared that Logan would forget me, and when I got better, he wouldnt want me, he would have to learn who I was all over again.
When I got put into the Mother/Baby unit, I was immediately given Logan to take care of, I was his mum, it was my job to take care of him, and wouldnt you know, I could do it! I could change his nappy, feed him, play with him and those horrible feelings I had that one day were not there anymore.
The massive turning point for me, and the reason I got better so fast was all due to Logan. He was on the floor, playing around, and I was sitting next to him, he spotted me and looked in my eyes and smiled at me, with a smile that said "There you are mum! Where have you been hiding?!" I just cried, he knew me, he loved me, and I loved him. My mind clicked, what was I doing?????? Wasting all this time feeling scared I might do something, when I could have been enjoying my life with my son!
From that point everything was different, even on our bad days I remember what we went thru, and remind myself how lucky I am to be where I am today with the life I have, and the people surrounding me.
Char, your honesty is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAdmitting all of this to yourself is hard enough, but for you to be able to put it out there for others to read shows how brave and caring you are.
You should feel immensely proud of yourself hun for the way you have gotten through this all
xx