I still have bad days

Although I have come a long way from where I was a few months ago, I will never forget, or truly get over what I have been through. I still have my bad days where I cry for my little girl, I stare at Logan smiling at me and feel so sad that I missed this with my daughter.

I didnt get to give Albury her first bath, I missed out on seeing her smile, hearing her cry, I never got to hold her, or see her out of my tummy. I often feel deep regret with my choice of not giving birth to her, although I know it would have been deeply traumatic, at least I would have felt like I had a moment with her, and event, not just lying on an operating table unconscious, waking to be told she was no longer in my belly.

I know people may find it hard to understand that I refer to a child I never had these moments with my daughter, but thats what she is to me. I saw her at our first ultrasound kicking around in my belly, I felt her move, I heard her heartbeat, she was real, and so was my love for her.

We had bought her toys, I had done paintings for her nursery, and these were the things I hated to see so much after we lost her. But now, they are Logans, a gift from his sister as she no longer needs them. They will hold a special place in my heart, as what once was hers, is now his.

My little ray of sunshine

Just a quick note today, Logan has been teething, so we are back with sleepless nights, and a cranky baby, however when he looks at me and smiles, there is no other feeling better. Its a complete and utter devotion, love, I become in awe of this wonderful little man I helped create.

I am so lucky to be able to look at my son and have these feelings, almost 3 months have past since what I call my "breakdown", and I dont think I could be in a better place. So many people helped me thru that dark period, and Im truly blessed to have a beautiful angel daughter, a gorgeous son, and a wonderfully supportive husband to share my life with.

POEM: Dad is a Survivor Too

Another poem we have on Alburys plaque

My dad is a survivor too...
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.

But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others.
He cries when no one's around.

I watch him sit up late at night,
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.

My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all~!
But there's times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.

Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
and tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.

Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heaven's up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love~!

POEM: My Mum is a Survivor

This a gorgeous poem that I have on Alburys plaque.

My Mum is a survivor,
or so I’ve heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn’t know I’m with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away…
I watch over my surviving mum,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others…
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven’s door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mum tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mum
through Heaven’s open door…
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn’t help her…
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her…
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says…
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mum has a broken heart
that time won’t ever heal.

Starting to heal

I was finally seeing that things were getting better, I found my love for Logan again, and things were on track for getting even better. I knew that this wasnt just a quick fix, and that if I wanted things to be good for the long term, then I was going to have to confront something I had been avoiding for a long time, Alburys death.

My psychology sessions were my saviour. I got to talk openly about how much the loss of my daughter had affected me, without the fear of it making someone uncomfortable. I spoke about how I get confused about how to answer the question "So is Logan your first child?". I my heart, no he isnt my first child, but I dont want to have that awkward conversation with people and make them feel uncomfortable around me if I said "No, we had a daughter, but she passed away when I was pregnant". So usually I just say yes, then feel guilty later when Im by myself and feel like I havent given Albury the recognition she deserves.

I spoke about how I keep running the pregnancy over and over in my head, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what did I do to make my daughter die?? Did I eat something I wasnt supposed to? Did I work myself too hard? Did I fall or hit my stomach at some stage? Not knowing why Albury passed is one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with. I now know, I will never have the answers, but I know it wasnt my fault, it wasnt Mikes fault, and Im not haunted by these thoughts anymore.

It used to break my heart to hear family talking about how there are no girls in the family, we dont know how to make girls, my parents or inlaws have no granddaughters, only grandsons. I used to bite my tongue and go home and cry. I know know I dont need other people to acknowledge Albury for her to feel special to me. She is my daughter, and I love her, and I dont need to make everyone reconise her as "real" because she is to me. If people speak of her then yes I smile, but I dont need it.

Logan and I say good morning to Albury everyday, I have a plaque on the wall with her Ultrasound photo on it. Logan will grow up knowing he has a big sister who watches over him, and will take care of him. And that thought warms my heart.

The Fear Sets in

So after having these intensly negative feelings towards Logan I removed myself from him as much as I could, this was not the best decision I made. I became so fearful that I would never get rid of these feelings, I would never be able to smile at my son again, never hold him or touch him with resentment. I ended up becoming so scared of what might happen, that I was unable to find out whether I could be Logans mum again, the one he deserved.

Everyone around me was taking care of Logan, he didnt need me, everyone else was doing the job I was supposed to be doing so easily, why couldnt I do it? Why did it all become to much for me? I kept thinking to myself, dont touch him, you dont want to hurt him do you??? But never in my mind did it occur to me, if I was not wanting to hurt Logan, then those horrible feelings I had before wouldnt be there. I was just too scared to take that chance, so I stayed back, becoming increasing scared that Logan would forget me, and when I got better, he wouldnt want me, he would have to learn who I was all over again.

When I got put into the Mother/Baby unit, I was immediately given Logan to take care of, I was his mum, it was my job to take care of him, and wouldnt you know, I could do it! I could change his nappy, feed him, play with him and those horrible feelings I had that one day were not there anymore.

The massive turning point for me, and the reason I got better so fast was all due to Logan. He was on the floor, playing around, and I was sitting next to him, he spotted me and looked in my eyes and smiled at me, with a smile that said "There you are mum! Where have you been hiding?!" I just cried, he knew me, he loved me, and I loved him. My mind clicked, what was I doing?????? Wasting all this time feeling scared I might do something, when I could have been enjoying my life with my son!

From that point everything was different, even on our bad days I remember what we went thru, and remind myself how lucky I am to be where I am today with the life I have, and the people surrounding me.