One of the main things I feel sad about is how most people feel so awkward and uncomfortable to mention anything to me about Albury. Yes some days if she is mentioned I might well up a bit and cry, but it that a bad thing? Other days I can talk about her and what happened to us fine.
Its alright to mention her birthday, ask what we did, how we felt. Its ok to say her name, I swear I wont yell at you for mentioning her in public. I wouldnt be writing a public blog about her and posting photos on facebook of her birthday if I wasnt ok with people talking about her.
I used to be the one who was uncomfortable to mention my baby girl. Its still not something I go around telling everyone, but it is not something I try to hide. I dont want to force the subject onto people, but I am happy to answer questions that people might have.
Its the same with the PND, I am so proud of where I am now, that I am happy to talk about what I went through to get to this point, share my journey to help others who are struggling.
These things are rarely talked about in a public forum, so I think its time to break down the walls and let people know they are not alone, and to not be ashamed or scared to talk about it.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Alburys 1st Birthday
The first thing I did when I woke up Friday morning was burst out in tears. It was my baby girls first ever birthday, and she wasnt here with us to celebrate. Logan was with my sister and Mike was at work, so I had a shower and let myself cry and be sad for the morning, knowing what I wanted to do the rest of the day, hoping it might get it all out my system.
The weather was horrible, which was only making me feel worse, it was pouring down with rain with crazy strong wind. Alburys teddy was sitting waiting for me to take it to her at the cemetery. I was so frustrated that the weather was like this, the day was already being ruined!
I went and picked up Logan from my sisters and asked to borrow an umbrella, no wind or rain was going to stop me from giving my daughter her birthday present! I drove to the cemetery, put Logan in my sling, let him hold Alburys teddy bear, and we walked to her.
I just cried, told her how much we love her and how much we wanted her here with us, and that I wanted her to have a happy birthday. Logan gave the teddy a kiss, and we gave it to her and walked back to the car.
When Mike got home from work and Logan was in bed for a nap, we sat down and watched her ultrasound video, she was just so amazing, and remembering how excited we were when we went and saw her for the first time was just wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time.
That night we got her birthday cake out and sang happy birthday, Logan had his first ever taste of birthday cake, he was a massive fan. At 7pm we lit 3 candles, one for myself, one for Mike and one for Logan, in memory of our precious little girl. Her birthday card sits proudly with her dads.
I was so happy I was able to do everything I set out to do, I gave my little girl the birthday she deserved. Its not going to get easier as years go by, but I will continue to celebrate her birthday and show Albury that she will always be our little girl, and she will always be loved.
The weather was horrible, which was only making me feel worse, it was pouring down with rain with crazy strong wind. Alburys teddy was sitting waiting for me to take it to her at the cemetery. I was so frustrated that the weather was like this, the day was already being ruined!
I went and picked up Logan from my sisters and asked to borrow an umbrella, no wind or rain was going to stop me from giving my daughter her birthday present! I drove to the cemetery, put Logan in my sling, let him hold Alburys teddy bear, and we walked to her.
I just cried, told her how much we love her and how much we wanted her here with us, and that I wanted her to have a happy birthday. Logan gave the teddy a kiss, and we gave it to her and walked back to the car.
When Mike got home from work and Logan was in bed for a nap, we sat down and watched her ultrasound video, she was just so amazing, and remembering how excited we were when we went and saw her for the first time was just wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time.
That night we got her birthday cake out and sang happy birthday, Logan had his first ever taste of birthday cake, he was a massive fan. At 7pm we lit 3 candles, one for myself, one for Mike and one for Logan, in memory of our precious little girl. Her birthday card sits proudly with her dads.
I was so happy I was able to do everything I set out to do, I gave my little girl the birthday she deserved. Its not going to get easier as years go by, but I will continue to celebrate her birthday and show Albury that she will always be our little girl, and she will always be loved.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Ruining Mikes Birthday
I have a massive fear that I will ruin Mikes Birthday tomorrow, all week I have been thinking about the following day, Alburys Birthday. I havent been able to sleep because I have not been able to switch my brain off, I know what I want to do that day, and I cant stop thinking about it, it makes me so sad to think about having to take Logan to the cemetery to see his sister on her birthday, it makes me cry to think about us singing happy birthday to our dead daughter.
Im so scared that for the rest of Mikes life his birthday will be overshadowed by Alburys. What should be a happy day for him will turn out shit because of how upsetting the next day will be.
I want Mike to have a great day, I want us to have fun, but you cant control how you are going to feel day to day. Im so happy that my wonderful sister has agreed to have Logan for the night as it not only gives Mike and I some alone time to enjoy his big day, but if things go badly, or we are both not dealing well the next morning, at least we both know Logan is being taken care of.
Having Alburys due date so close to Mikes birthday was such a wonderful thing when everything was going so well, but now its just a constant reminder of what we dont have.
Mike is turning 27, Albury should be turning 1, but she is not. I have my fingers crossed that I can suck it up and give Mike the wonderful birthday he deserves.
Im so scared that for the rest of Mikes life his birthday will be overshadowed by Alburys. What should be a happy day for him will turn out shit because of how upsetting the next day will be.
I want Mike to have a great day, I want us to have fun, but you cant control how you are going to feel day to day. Im so happy that my wonderful sister has agreed to have Logan for the night as it not only gives Mike and I some alone time to enjoy his big day, but if things go badly, or we are both not dealing well the next morning, at least we both know Logan is being taken care of.
Having Alburys due date so close to Mikes birthday was such a wonderful thing when everything was going so well, but now its just a constant reminder of what we dont have.
Mike is turning 27, Albury should be turning 1, but she is not. I have my fingers crossed that I can suck it up and give Mike the wonderful birthday he deserves.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Choosing life
It gets to a point sometimes where you have to ask yourself, do I want to continue to live like this? Do I want to continue to drown in my misery, wallow in self pity and alienate myself from the world? The answer isnt always easy.
Some days its easier to just lay in bed and throw a pity party for yourself, just cry and pretend that you are the only person who has ever experienced the pain of loosing a child. I also find these days can keep you sane. Much better than holding in all the emotions and pain until it gets to a point where you cant lock it down anymore. However, its when these days become weeks, months, or even just frequently, that they start to control you, and interfere with how you live your life. This is when you really have to ask those questions.
I chose to live my life, be happy and enjoy what I have. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderfully supportive husband, who loves me even on those days Im crying in bed, I have an extremely understanding family who I can always turn to for help, and most of all, I have a beautiful, happy, healthy, simply gorgeous baby boy Logan.
Yes it is intensely sad that I have lost a daughter, yes I have days where I do nothing but think of the pain that her death caused, but I have so many other things in my life that make me smile, and make me want to enjoy every second I have.
Some days its easier to just lay in bed and throw a pity party for yourself, just cry and pretend that you are the only person who has ever experienced the pain of loosing a child. I also find these days can keep you sane. Much better than holding in all the emotions and pain until it gets to a point where you cant lock it down anymore. However, its when these days become weeks, months, or even just frequently, that they start to control you, and interfere with how you live your life. This is when you really have to ask those questions.
I chose to live my life, be happy and enjoy what I have. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderfully supportive husband, who loves me even on those days Im crying in bed, I have an extremely understanding family who I can always turn to for help, and most of all, I have a beautiful, happy, healthy, simply gorgeous baby boy Logan.
Yes it is intensely sad that I have lost a daughter, yes I have days where I do nothing but think of the pain that her death caused, but I have so many other things in my life that make me smile, and make me want to enjoy every second I have.
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