So throughout the first few weeks of Logans life I was doing fine, if I had a meltdown it was due to lack of sleep and exhaustion, and wouldnt last long, Id cry and tell Logan I was sorry he didnt have a better mummy, then an hour later I would have no idea what I was on about, I was doing a fine job!!
It wasnt until the anniversary of Alburys death that things started getting bad. All that I could think of was that if Albury hadnt died, Logan would never had been born, if my first pregnancy was successful I would be holding my 6 month old baby girl, not my 7 week old baby boy. If I was happy that Logan was here with me, did that mean I was happy Albury had died??? If I told Logan I loved him, would it mean I didnt love Albury? These thoughts took over me so much that I started to resent Logan for being here, I would look at him and get angry, I would be feeding him and get so frustrated I was wanted anyone to come and take him from me. I didnt want to touch him, I didnt want him near me, I even think at one stage I told Mike I didnt love Logan and I wanted someone to just take him away, I didnt want to be his mum.
One morning Mike left for work and I got up to feed Logan, my skin started to crawl and the frustration just started to build up so much, I wanted Logan away from me, I felt like I wanted to just throw him across the room just so I didnt have to touch him. This is when I burst into tears, I knew these thoughts were horrible, but if I was having these thoughts 10 mins after Mike had left for work, what was going to happen over the rest of the day??? I put Logan down and called my mum and told her everything I was feeling, she told me to put Logan in his roon, close the door, and walk away from him. So I did. She told me to call the Northern CAT team, and tell them exactly what I had told her, and that she was on her way to come be by my side, she would call my sister Victoria to get her to come up to me straight away so I wouldnt be alone with Logan.
I got off the phone to mum and called the CAT team, and explained everything, they said they would be at my house within the next couple of hours.
That day from that point is just a blur, I was feeling soooo horrible for feeling the way I was, but I knew I needed help. The CAT team were wonderful, they didnt make me feel like I was the worst person in the world (I was feeling that myself, without help), They told me I had a severe case of Post-natal depression and put me straight onto some anti-depressants and some sleeping tablets for night time. They explained that someone from Child First would be coming up to see me, someone from the Enhanced Maternal Child Heath would also be coming to see me, and that some psychology sessions would be set up for me. The help was overwhelming, in an instant I had a whole team of people taken care of me and Logan.
My family were great at this early time, stood by me the whole way, I thank them so much for that
Love you. Great Honesty.
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