Do you believe in the spirit world? That we dont leave the world, we stay around once we die to look over and take care of our loved ones. If you do, do you believe that a 19 week "embryo" (I hate that word) could become a spirit? That it had a long enough life to stick around after its death.
The reason I ask this is because on a few occasions, I believe Albury has been with us. When I was pregnant with Logan I went to her grave to talk to her, I asked her to watch over her little brother and to be a good big sister. I believe she listened.
Logan will always stare at one corner of his room. And yes I am aware that babies like to stare at things, looking at lights etc, but this corner is blank, no lights, no pictures, just blank. Whenever he stares at this corner he also calms right down. The other week while I was playing with Logan on the couch, the middle toy of his playmat started swaying, like someone had hit it. This was a little spooky, but I took comfort in believing Albury was just playing with her brothers toys.
The first thing that happened, that made me believe she was around like I had asked was when Logan and I first started saying hello to her on her plaque. I walked over there when Logan was 3 months old, so not focusing on anything, and turned him towards the plaque and said "Good morning Albury", at that moment, he looked directly at her picture, and he smiled, and I cried. It was so touching, and so beautiful.
Now all of these things could be a giant coincidence yes, but, it just might be Albury doing exactly as mummy asked.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Feeding issues
So Logan has always been a good feeder, well since we went onto bottle feeding anyway. When we first introduced solid food to him at the age of 4 months, he gobbled it up! He absolutely LOVES his food, however his love for his bottles seemed to diminish.
Everytime I would offer him his bottle, he would start drinking like normal, then suddenly he would just stop, pull off and turn his head away. I'd offer it to him again, and he would screw his face up as if to say "What? Nooooo, I dont want this, wheres the real food mum?"
I got so paranoid that he wasnt feeding enough, as for the most part, I couldnt get him to drink more than 60-80mls per bottle. Mummy guilt set it, did I give him too much food? Should I have waited longer to introduce solids? But deep down I knew the answers to these questions, of course not!!! He loved his food (he was on 2 meals a day his second week of solid food), we never have had an issue of him refusing food, he has always finished his solid meals. Its just that he had completely lost interest in his formula meals.
We went to the doctor, as his had become very constipated as well. The doctor put Logan on some laxatives, and told me to keep a food diary and come back in 2 weeks. This was comforting and scary all at the same time. I was happy to be getting help, I was terrified of going back and being told my baby was starving and I was a bad mum.
So the diary went on, offered 160ml, took 60ml, offered 4 tablespoons of food, ate all of it, offered 160ml, took 40ml, arghhhhhhh it was awful having to write down the stats. But by the end of the first day I was relieved, yes he was refusing quite a bit, but when I added up the daily total, I didnt think he was doing too bad.
Days past, I would be very content anytime Logan took 100ml+ with a bottle, I felt like doing a victory dance whenever this happened. Logan was still his happy chirpy self, nothing had changed in that respect, but I still stressed.
When we went to the doctor for our 2 week review and I handed the doctor the food diary, my heart stopped, I was so nervous. Then he looked up at me and said "Well, hes doing good, Im very happy with how much he is drinking, and eating, he is doing really well". OMG I could have cried I was so happy, all the mummy guilt just disappeared immediately. We got the all clear to give him 3 solid meals a day, and we go back in another 2 weeks to review again.
So I have a happy little 6 month old (well in 2 days he will be, where did the time go??!) who loves his food, and although has lost a bit of interest in his formula, is still going great guns!
Everytime I would offer him his bottle, he would start drinking like normal, then suddenly he would just stop, pull off and turn his head away. I'd offer it to him again, and he would screw his face up as if to say "What? Nooooo, I dont want this, wheres the real food mum?"
I got so paranoid that he wasnt feeding enough, as for the most part, I couldnt get him to drink more than 60-80mls per bottle. Mummy guilt set it, did I give him too much food? Should I have waited longer to introduce solids? But deep down I knew the answers to these questions, of course not!!! He loved his food (he was on 2 meals a day his second week of solid food), we never have had an issue of him refusing food, he has always finished his solid meals. Its just that he had completely lost interest in his formula meals.
We went to the doctor, as his had become very constipated as well. The doctor put Logan on some laxatives, and told me to keep a food diary and come back in 2 weeks. This was comforting and scary all at the same time. I was happy to be getting help, I was terrified of going back and being told my baby was starving and I was a bad mum.
So the diary went on, offered 160ml, took 60ml, offered 4 tablespoons of food, ate all of it, offered 160ml, took 40ml, arghhhhhhh it was awful having to write down the stats. But by the end of the first day I was relieved, yes he was refusing quite a bit, but when I added up the daily total, I didnt think he was doing too bad.
Days past, I would be very content anytime Logan took 100ml+ with a bottle, I felt like doing a victory dance whenever this happened. Logan was still his happy chirpy self, nothing had changed in that respect, but I still stressed.
When we went to the doctor for our 2 week review and I handed the doctor the food diary, my heart stopped, I was so nervous. Then he looked up at me and said "Well, hes doing good, Im very happy with how much he is drinking, and eating, he is doing really well". OMG I could have cried I was so happy, all the mummy guilt just disappeared immediately. We got the all clear to give him 3 solid meals a day, and we go back in another 2 weeks to review again.
So I have a happy little 6 month old (well in 2 days he will be, where did the time go??!) who loves his food, and although has lost a bit of interest in his formula, is still going great guns!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Alburys Birthday
My little girl would be turning 1 in a little over a month. Thats where my head is at right now.
Its so hard because her due date is a day after Mikes birthday, so a week thats supposed to be exciting and happy, has turned into somewhat of a dark and upsetting time.
Earlier in the year I had decided I will buy Albury a birthday card each year, and blow out a candle on a cupcake for her, but now that the time is coming, I dont know if Ill have the mental or emotional strength to do this. I want to celebrate her, I want to make her feel loved, because she is so much, but having this date looming closer is just so heartbreaking. I want to see her try to blow out the candle, and want to see her unwrap presents. I want my baby girl.
Its so hard because her due date is a day after Mikes birthday, so a week thats supposed to be exciting and happy, has turned into somewhat of a dark and upsetting time.
Earlier in the year I had decided I will buy Albury a birthday card each year, and blow out a candle on a cupcake for her, but now that the time is coming, I dont know if Ill have the mental or emotional strength to do this. I want to celebrate her, I want to make her feel loved, because she is so much, but having this date looming closer is just so heartbreaking. I want to see her try to blow out the candle, and want to see her unwrap presents. I want my baby girl.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
More children?
This question has come up a few times between myself and Mike. After we lost Albury, and in the middle of thinking we might loose Logan when we had the bleed, I thought to myself "I dont know if I can do this again". The loss of Albury was so intense, I couldnt see myself handling loosing my second child, then falling pregnant again. Yes I wanted children badly, I wanted to be a mummy, I wanted to make Mike a daddy, but it was all just so draining emotionally. I thought it might have been natures way of saying to me "this isnt the way you will become a mother". Little did we know we had a little fighter in my tummy, and we didnt have to go thru the pain of loosing a child again.
The question then became, what happens if I have another miscarriage with our 3rd? Do we go on with a 4th knowing that yes it is possible for us to have a happy healthy child? Or do we stop and be happy with Logan and his angel siblings? I have no idea if it will be harder loosing a child when you already have one, and I truely hope I dont have to find out.
When I had my meltdown I decided I didnt want anymore children. Theres no way I wanted to put another child of mine thru what I put Logan thru. There was no way I wanted to go thru it again. It was just so stressful for myself, for Mike and for our families. I couldnt even consider going down that path again. I even got to the point where I couldnt even let Mike touch me as I had a huge fear of falling pregnant again (and yes I am aware how babies are made, but I wasnt in the most rational thinking then).
When Logan pulled me out of my rut, and things started getting better, I still didnt want anymore children, but for different reasons. I was so happy and content, I truely felt complete, I had no need for other children as Logan was enough for me. However I knew Mike wanted more children, and with Logan being such a good baby, he wanted more children even more. It was hard telling him I didnt want anymore, but I think he knew what would happen in the long run.
A few weeks ago I decided that yes, I would love more children. I would be so happy to see Logan running around with a brother or sister, seeing him teach them things, seeing Mike become a daddy again. But I do want Logan to be my only baby for awhile. So we have decided on a time to begin trying again that we were both happy with. (this will not be disclosed), and now we just argue about how many more children to have.
Im sure my mind will continue to change what it wants, but right now Im happy with how the future looks.
The question then became, what happens if I have another miscarriage with our 3rd? Do we go on with a 4th knowing that yes it is possible for us to have a happy healthy child? Or do we stop and be happy with Logan and his angel siblings? I have no idea if it will be harder loosing a child when you already have one, and I truely hope I dont have to find out.
When I had my meltdown I decided I didnt want anymore children. Theres no way I wanted to put another child of mine thru what I put Logan thru. There was no way I wanted to go thru it again. It was just so stressful for myself, for Mike and for our families. I couldnt even consider going down that path again. I even got to the point where I couldnt even let Mike touch me as I had a huge fear of falling pregnant again (and yes I am aware how babies are made, but I wasnt in the most rational thinking then).
When Logan pulled me out of my rut, and things started getting better, I still didnt want anymore children, but for different reasons. I was so happy and content, I truely felt complete, I had no need for other children as Logan was enough for me. However I knew Mike wanted more children, and with Logan being such a good baby, he wanted more children even more. It was hard telling him I didnt want anymore, but I think he knew what would happen in the long run.
A few weeks ago I decided that yes, I would love more children. I would be so happy to see Logan running around with a brother or sister, seeing him teach them things, seeing Mike become a daddy again. But I do want Logan to be my only baby for awhile. So we have decided on a time to begin trying again that we were both happy with. (this will not be disclosed), and now we just argue about how many more children to have.
Im sure my mind will continue to change what it wants, but right now Im happy with how the future looks.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
My boys
Mikes first ever Fathers day has just ended, and it was just perfect. I was just so happy about everything, and Mike was too.
Logan could not have behaved better, we had a wonderful morning the 3 of us, Mike got a sleep in, a nice breakfast, and a HEAP of presents. It was gorgeous seeing my boys sitting together unwrapping the gifts.
We had a lovely lunch at Mikes parents and then a drive up to Numerkah for a night away where my parents were for a week.
Monday was blissful. Watching Logan in the pool with his daddy, just the love between them. Its so obvious, and just beautiful to watch.
I feel like I was on cloud 9 all weekend. It was just wonderful. After all we have been thru together, its so great to see Mike being what he has always wanted to be, a fantastic daddy.
Logan could not have behaved better, we had a wonderful morning the 3 of us, Mike got a sleep in, a nice breakfast, and a HEAP of presents. It was gorgeous seeing my boys sitting together unwrapping the gifts.
We had a lovely lunch at Mikes parents and then a drive up to Numerkah for a night away where my parents were for a week.
Monday was blissful. Watching Logan in the pool with his daddy, just the love between them. Its so obvious, and just beautiful to watch.
I feel like I was on cloud 9 all weekend. It was just wonderful. After all we have been thru together, its so great to see Mike being what he has always wanted to be, a fantastic daddy.
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