Had two of my gorgeous nephews staying with us this week. While I was giving Logan some food, Blake, 10, saw the Albury plaque on the wall and said "Oh look, Logan was so cute". This was only the second time the plaque has been pointed out by anyone (both times its been mistaken as just one of Logans ultrasounds) and even though I was unprepared for it, I feel I dealt with it exactly how I hoped I would.
I just said to Blake and Aiden "No, thats not Logan, remember when I had a baby in my tummy before Logan, but the baby died? Well she was a little girl, and thats her. Her name is ALbury." Both of them remembered, and asked questions, told me their memories of when it happened, how it made them cry. I just let them know that it was ok to be sad and cry as it was a very sad thing to happen. They then went on with their day as normal.
It was exactly how I had hoped, not awkward, not over emotional, just a nice chat about Albury, who she is, and what she means to us.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Excitement of Christmas
I LOVE Christmas, everything about it. Decorating the house, giving presents, getting presents, good company, good food, whats not to love?
This was not so true last Christmas. Last Christmas was supposed to be Albury's first Christmas, it was supposed to be exciting for a whole other reason. I was supposed to fulfill my life long dream of becoming Santa, dressing my baby up in a gorgeous Christmas outfit, having everyone adoring her. But no, she wasn't there.
The problem was I didn't talk about how sad I was, I didn't think I was aloud to be, as I was 6 months pregnant with Logan at the time. How can I be so sad when I have my son growing in my belly? Well simple, because I didn't have my baby girl in my arms.
It broke my heart to hear the words, "There are no babies this year, how boring!" Knowing that Albury would have filled that void, SHOULD have filled it. It was even hard opening presents for Logan, because I kept thinking how they could have been hers.
Yes Christmas was hard last year, but the time with my family was enough to get me through it with a real smile on my face. Because that's what family does, without even knowing it, they get you through the toughest times in your life.
This was not so true last Christmas. Last Christmas was supposed to be Albury's first Christmas, it was supposed to be exciting for a whole other reason. I was supposed to fulfill my life long dream of becoming Santa, dressing my baby up in a gorgeous Christmas outfit, having everyone adoring her. But no, she wasn't there.
The problem was I didn't talk about how sad I was, I didn't think I was aloud to be, as I was 6 months pregnant with Logan at the time. How can I be so sad when I have my son growing in my belly? Well simple, because I didn't have my baby girl in my arms.
It broke my heart to hear the words, "There are no babies this year, how boring!" Knowing that Albury would have filled that void, SHOULD have filled it. It was even hard opening presents for Logan, because I kept thinking how they could have been hers.
Yes Christmas was hard last year, but the time with my family was enough to get me through it with a real smile on my face. Because that's what family does, without even knowing it, they get you through the toughest times in your life.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
wife, mum, cook, cleaner, Charlotte?
So I am currently on a quest to 'find myself'. Becoming a mum has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life, yet it has also been the hardest. On my road to becoming a mum I have lost a child, gone through PND, as well as the usual morning sickness, sleepless nights and so on.
My days consist of feeding Logan, playing with him, changing nappy's, wiping his nose, as well as cleaning the house and getting dinner prepared. Some days all of this goes on, and some I only have time to do the first few because Logan is having a bad day. And now, after 8 and a half months of doing this I have hit a wall, asking myself, where has Charlotte gone?
A few people have asked if going back to work 1 or 2 days a week might help, and the answer is simple, nope. Work for me wasn't a part of who I was, it was just a way of getting money. We are comfortable enough for me to stay home, which however hard it may seem to believe right now, I love. I think going back to work will give me one more thing taking up what should be 'Charlotte' time.
A small step in the right direction was taken yesterday, I went to Borders and bought the last book of the Vampire Academy series, now I have the set. However I haven't even begun to read the first book. I'm currently on the last book of a different series, I'm up to chapter 2, and have been for a few months now. I used to love reading so much, losing myself in a book, loving characters, hating characters, reading just one more chapter because I just HAD to know what happened next.
But when I came out of the bookshop I thought to myself "You're an idiot Charlotte, you're never going to have time to read these bloody books, what a waste of money, you should have bought Logan something". Then it hit me, why didn't I have time to read my books? Because I put everything else first. So I have decided that AT LEAST one day a week I am going to sit down, by myself, and read.
This decision, for now, has made me feel 100 times better. I feel I am finally on my way to claiming back Charlotte.
My days consist of feeding Logan, playing with him, changing nappy's, wiping his nose, as well as cleaning the house and getting dinner prepared. Some days all of this goes on, and some I only have time to do the first few because Logan is having a bad day. And now, after 8 and a half months of doing this I have hit a wall, asking myself, where has Charlotte gone?
A few people have asked if going back to work 1 or 2 days a week might help, and the answer is simple, nope. Work for me wasn't a part of who I was, it was just a way of getting money. We are comfortable enough for me to stay home, which however hard it may seem to believe right now, I love. I think going back to work will give me one more thing taking up what should be 'Charlotte' time.
A small step in the right direction was taken yesterday, I went to Borders and bought the last book of the Vampire Academy series, now I have the set. However I haven't even begun to read the first book. I'm currently on the last book of a different series, I'm up to chapter 2, and have been for a few months now. I used to love reading so much, losing myself in a book, loving characters, hating characters, reading just one more chapter because I just HAD to know what happened next.
But when I came out of the bookshop I thought to myself "You're an idiot Charlotte, you're never going to have time to read these bloody books, what a waste of money, you should have bought Logan something". Then it hit me, why didn't I have time to read my books? Because I put everything else first. So I have decided that AT LEAST one day a week I am going to sit down, by myself, and read.
This decision, for now, has made me feel 100 times better. I feel I am finally on my way to claiming back Charlotte.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Identity Crisis
Well its been ages since I felt I had anything useful to say on here, was going to shut down the blog earlier in the week, but just forgot. Then I had yet another breakdown.
Ive been really snappy at Mike recently, not really knowing why, but even the slightest thing he did or said could set me off. Now I have finally decided to let myself realise why this is happening, and now Im going to attempt to explain it. Im not mad at Mike (well I guess in some ways I am), but I envy him.
When Logan was born he became a daddy, but then he went back to work, continued playing video games, watching the same old stuff on the computer, talked about the same things with friends, he was still "Mike". This was completely different to what I went through. When Logan was born I became mummy, I stayed home with Logan, fed him, bathed him, changed his nappy, settled him when he was sick. When I left the house it was to go to mothers group or Rhythm and Rhyme Time. When I was driving, Logan was there, when I was shopping, Logan was there, sometimes even when I had a shower, Logan was there.
Ive lost myself. I absolutely LOVE being a mum and staying home with Logan, watching him grow, it seems every day something new happens. However, I feel that is what my life is now. Im no longer Charlotte, I am Logans mum, Mikes wife.
This post doesnt really have an ending yet, Im still trying to figure out what to do next, how to claim myself back. But at least its given me something to wake the blog up with!
Ive been really snappy at Mike recently, not really knowing why, but even the slightest thing he did or said could set me off. Now I have finally decided to let myself realise why this is happening, and now Im going to attempt to explain it. Im not mad at Mike (well I guess in some ways I am), but I envy him.
When Logan was born he became a daddy, but then he went back to work, continued playing video games, watching the same old stuff on the computer, talked about the same things with friends, he was still "Mike". This was completely different to what I went through. When Logan was born I became mummy, I stayed home with Logan, fed him, bathed him, changed his nappy, settled him when he was sick. When I left the house it was to go to mothers group or Rhythm and Rhyme Time. When I was driving, Logan was there, when I was shopping, Logan was there, sometimes even when I had a shower, Logan was there.
Ive lost myself. I absolutely LOVE being a mum and staying home with Logan, watching him grow, it seems every day something new happens. However, I feel that is what my life is now. Im no longer Charlotte, I am Logans mum, Mikes wife.
This post doesnt really have an ending yet, Im still trying to figure out what to do next, how to claim myself back. But at least its given me something to wake the blog up with!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)