This question has come up a few times between myself and Mike. After we lost Albury, and in the middle of thinking we might loose Logan when we had the bleed, I thought to myself "I dont know if I can do this again". The loss of Albury was so intense, I couldnt see myself handling loosing my second child, then falling pregnant again. Yes I wanted children badly, I wanted to be a mummy, I wanted to make Mike a daddy, but it was all just so draining emotionally. I thought it might have been natures way of saying to me "this isnt the way you will become a mother". Little did we know we had a little fighter in my tummy, and we didnt have to go thru the pain of loosing a child again.
The question then became, what happens if I have another miscarriage with our 3rd? Do we go on with a 4th knowing that yes it is possible for us to have a happy healthy child? Or do we stop and be happy with Logan and his angel siblings? I have no idea if it will be harder loosing a child when you already have one, and I truely hope I dont have to find out.
When I had my meltdown I decided I didnt want anymore children. Theres no way I wanted to put another child of mine thru what I put Logan thru. There was no way I wanted to go thru it again. It was just so stressful for myself, for Mike and for our families. I couldnt even consider going down that path again. I even got to the point where I couldnt even let Mike touch me as I had a huge fear of falling pregnant again (and yes I am aware how babies are made, but I wasnt in the most rational thinking then).
When Logan pulled me out of my rut, and things started getting better, I still didnt want anymore children, but for different reasons. I was so happy and content, I truely felt complete, I had no need for other children as Logan was enough for me. However I knew Mike wanted more children, and with Logan being such a good baby, he wanted more children even more. It was hard telling him I didnt want anymore, but I think he knew what would happen in the long run.
A few weeks ago I decided that yes, I would love more children. I would be so happy to see Logan running around with a brother or sister, seeing him teach them things, seeing Mike become a daddy again. But I do want Logan to be my only baby for awhile. So we have decided on a time to begin trying again that we were both happy with. (this will not be disclosed), and now we just argue about how many more children to have.
Im sure my mind will continue to change what it wants, but right now Im happy with how the future looks.
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