The start of my second pregnancy

Mike and I were so happy to be pregnant again, our dream of holding our child in our arms was once again becoming a reality. But we didn't want to let ourselves get too excited, we had huge fears that we would lose this baby too. There was no reason to why we lost Albury, therefore in our minds there was no reason why this baby would stay alive either.

When I was 7 weeks pregnant it seemed our fears had come true, while at work in Yarrawonga I had a fairly large bleed. Mike had to explain what had happened to our supervisor as no one at that point even knew we were expecting again. We went to the local hospital, but they decided as it was so early on, it would be best to just wait it out. So back to work we went, not knowing whether our baby was alive or dead. The following night right before going to bed my bleeding became heavy again. We went to the hospital where they took some blood, and we waited, and waited. Finally a doctor came and said my hormone levels were still alright, so there was a chance our baby was still alive, my cervix was still shut tight, and an ultrasound was booked for the following day. Mike and I went home with some hope, but still a lot of fear. The next day we had the ultrasound, and there was our baby, our little blob with a flickering heartbeat, our child was alive, we still had our baby.

I didn't have morning sickness with my second pregnancy, neither did I suffer from migraines like my first, and although I had lost Albury during my first pregnancy, the fact I didn't have these symptoms scared me. I didn't feel pregnant. Just before I was 14 weeks, I had yet another bleed, and once again, I thought it was all over. But once again, we saw our baby, heartbeat flickering away.

The lead up to the 20 week scan was horrible, we were so scared history would repeat itself. But we went there, the ultrasound started and straight away we could see our baby was safe. Everything was perfect, and we were having a boy!! We could finally relax and start to enjoy the pregnancy, the hard part was over. Or at least we thought it was

Wanting our baby

The following month or so after our baby's death was a whirlwind of emotion. Every time I put my hand on my stomach to give my baby a mummy hug, I would remember there was nothing there anymore. Every time we went out it seemed like everyone had children or were pregnant, all the baby furniture, toys and clothes we had bought or were given for our baby were all just a constant reminder of what we had lost, what was taken from us with no good reason.

An autopsy was done on our baby, we wanted to know why we had lost our child, but more than that we wanted to know the sex of our baby, and unfortunately due to the state of our child when they were taken out of me, they could not tell without some DNA/genetic testing. We soon discovered that no reason for our baby's death was found. It was "just one of those things", I hated hearing that, it was so aloof, like it didn't matter. MY BABY DIED. I went thru every aspect of my pregnancy thru my head, looking for a reason, and to this day I cant think of anything that might have caused my baby's death. My baby just slipped into a constant sleep.

It took so long to get the results of the gender test back, it was so hard waiting. We didn't want to bury our baby until we knew the sex as we wanted to name our child and give them a proper burial. We had decided that if we had a boy he would be named Declan, and if we had a girl she would be Albury. But it was extremely difficult thinking about our baby's body just lying somewhere in a hospital waiting to be put to rest. Finally we got the phone call, we had assumed we were having a boy throughout the pregnancy, as everyone in our family had boys, so when the nurse told us we had a little girl, I was shocked. the first granddaughter for both my parents and Mikes parents was gone, we had the first girl of the families, and we had lost our little Albury.

We were told by doctors to wait at least 3 months before trying again, not just for physical reasons, but emotionally too. But we just couldn't wait, we wanted a baby, we wanted to fill that void so badly. Looking back now I know we should have waited longer, healed more before having another baby, but there was no way anyone could have told us to wait. July, we found out we were expecting again.

The Death of our Daughter

After finding out our baby was dead, the day became a blur. Making those horrible phone calls to family to tell them what had happened, just holding each other and crying, and being told what steps were to be taken now. It was explained to us that as I was under 20 weeks, I could decide whether or not I wanted to be induced and give birth to our baby, or if I would rather go under general anesthetic and have a curette. If I chose to have a curette they would have to cut our baby in order to get them out of me. I was so torn, I hated the idea of my baby being cut up inside me, but I didn't know whether I was mentally strong enough to give birth knowing that I wouldn't hear my baby cry when they came out, knowing I was pushing out my deceased child.

Even though I hated the two choices I was given, I had to chose one. I felt so guilty, but I felt for the sake of my mental health, I would opt for the curette. Almost everyone from our 2 families came to the hospital that day, they gathered around Mike and I in the emergency room while we waited for the operation to be ready for me. The love and support we felt that day was just amazing, there is no way I would ever have gotten thru this experience if it wasn't for our families and friends supporting us.

When we were told everything was ready I got really nervous, this was going to be the last time I would have my baby in my belly, the last time they would be a part of me. I held my tummy and I said goodbye. Mike held my hand and we told told each other how much we loved each other and we had one last kiss before I got wheeled away into the operating theater.

I woke up in recovery and was told the operation went well. I remember thinking "How did it go well?? My baby was dead!". Mike came into the room and we just held each other. We got taken to my room for the night and Mike stayed by my side. There was no way any of the hospital staff were going to tell Mike to go home after what we had gone thru. They bought in a trundle bed and some extra blankets for him, and in the middle of the night when I broke down in tears again, he was there, holding me.

Mike in every way shape and form is my soul mate, he has seen me at my lowest, and at my highest. We have gone thru tremendously happy moments together, and unfortunately some extremely sad moments. But throughout it all our love has grown deeper and stronger.

My first pregnancy

My first pregnancy is what I would consider a "normal" or "typical" pregnancy, I had morning sickness, my boobs were sore, I was tired and I got migraines. But I loved every minute of it, as feeling that crappy was due to the fact I had our baby growing inside me.

At 13 weeks we had our first ultrasound, it was magical, seeing our baby up on that screen wriggling around, it just really made the situation all the more real. That was our child, we had made him or her and they were really on they're way. We were so amazed at how much our baby looked like a baby at just 13 weeks, we weren't expecting everything to be so developed. We showed off the video of the ultrasound to everyone, just gushing at out tiny bubs. It was one of the best days of my life. Just seeing my baby and knowing that what I have wanted for so long, was actually happening to me.

At all of our doctor appointments our baby was heathy and happy, at 16 weeks I got to hear the heartbeat, it was so surreal. Everything was going so smoothly. We never thought things would change so dramatically so quickly.

On the 21st of May 2009, I was 19 weeks pregnant and Mike and I were in the waiting room waiting for our morphology ultrasound. We were still trying to decide whether or not to find out the sex of our baby (we had originally said no, but I was having second thoughts), but we came to the agreement that we wanted to have that "movie moment" of the announcement when our baby was born, so we would not find out today. We finally got called in and everything got started. The gel was put on my belly and the ultrasound began. The man didn't really say much to begin with, but I figured because he was male, maybe he just wasn't as excited or talkative as a female when it came to doing the ultrasounds. Mike and I both started to get a bit nervous, when the man turned to us and said he would be back in a minute, he just had to get a colleague of his, and he walked out the room. I turned to Mike with tears in my eyes, we just looked at each other, we both knew something was wrong.

The man came back in with a woman and they stared up the ultrasound again, they were taking measurements of our baby and according to the measurement, our baby was only measuring at 17 weeks instead of 19. I kept thinking to myself "PLEASE can our baby just be small, I can deal with a small baby, please.....". Mike finally asked if there was something wrong, and thats when we were told, there was no movement, no heartbeat, our baby was gone.

Deciding to become parents

Mike and I always wanted kids, I desperately wanted to be a mother, my dream was so be able to stay at home and take care of all my children (I wanted 3 or 4, Mike agreed to 3), but due to money there was no way this dream could come true for me. I starting saving my money so I could at least have a good amount of time off when it came time to us having a family.

While we were away for work in January 2009, we decided that we were ready and we wanted to start our family, and what do you know, a month later we found out we were expecting our first child.

We were so excited and idealistic, not knowing all the issues we were going to go thru for the next 12+ months.

I was going to be that typical cliche mum, baking cookies, doing crafts, mending clothes, and Mike was excited about teaching his children how to play video-games. I thought this was the role I was born to do, there was nothing better! I would be so happy to give up work and be home with my baby. But I was so incredibly wrong. Our journey wasn't easy, and its still not. But hopefully one day, we will get to experience everything we had originally dreamed about.

Introduction

Ok, so my road to becoming a mum has not been an easy one, and now that I have a healthy happy son, things have not become easier for me like I thought they would. Too many people go thru the bad things in life alone, never discussing with people around them how they are feeling or what they're going thru, its always an edited upbeat version as to not make people around them uncomfortable. So I have decided to share my journey with everyone to let those who are struggling know that they are not alone, and to try to get people to really open up and talk about how they're really feeling, good and bad.

Ive been thru happy times of seeing my child up on the ultrasound screen playing around and waving, to a completely traumatic time of seeing no movement on that screen and being told my baby had died. I looked at my son when he was born and instantly fell in love, but I have also recently looked at him and felt nothing but resentment. Ive been a happy loving mum, but now Ive been diagnosed as a mum with post-natal depression. I want to share my journey of becoming a mother, and my journey of being a mother with PND. I hope we can all learn to be open and discuss these things that are never easy to talk about.