So throughout the first few weeks of Logans life I was doing fine, if I had a meltdown it was due to lack of sleep and exhaustion, and wouldnt last long, Id cry and tell Logan I was sorry he didnt have a better mummy, then an hour later I would have no idea what I was on about, I was doing a fine job!!
It wasnt until the anniversary of Alburys death that things started getting bad. All that I could think of was that if Albury hadnt died, Logan would never had been born, if my first pregnancy was successful I would be holding my 6 month old baby girl, not my 7 week old baby boy. If I was happy that Logan was here with me, did that mean I was happy Albury had died??? If I told Logan I loved him, would it mean I didnt love Albury? These thoughts took over me so much that I started to resent Logan for being here, I would look at him and get angry, I would be feeding him and get so frustrated I was wanted anyone to come and take him from me. I didnt want to touch him, I didnt want him near me, I even think at one stage I told Mike I didnt love Logan and I wanted someone to just take him away, I didnt want to be his mum.
One morning Mike left for work and I got up to feed Logan, my skin started to crawl and the frustration just started to build up so much, I wanted Logan away from me, I felt like I wanted to just throw him across the room just so I didnt have to touch him. This is when I burst into tears, I knew these thoughts were horrible, but if I was having these thoughts 10 mins after Mike had left for work, what was going to happen over the rest of the day??? I put Logan down and called my mum and told her everything I was feeling, she told me to put Logan in his roon, close the door, and walk away from him. So I did. She told me to call the Northern CAT team, and tell them exactly what I had told her, and that she was on her way to come be by my side, she would call my sister Victoria to get her to come up to me straight away so I wouldnt be alone with Logan.
I got off the phone to mum and called the CAT team, and explained everything, they said they would be at my house within the next couple of hours.
That day from that point is just a blur, I was feeling soooo horrible for feeling the way I was, but I knew I needed help. The CAT team were wonderful, they didnt make me feel like I was the worst person in the world (I was feeling that myself, without help), They told me I had a severe case of Post-natal depression and put me straight onto some anti-depressants and some sleeping tablets for night time. They explained that someone from Child First would be coming up to see me, someone from the Enhanced Maternal Child Heath would also be coming to see me, and that some psychology sessions would be set up for me. The help was overwhelming, in an instant I had a whole team of people taken care of me and Logan.
My family were great at this early time, stood by me the whole way, I thank them so much for that
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
It all started so well
Everything in the beginning was so good, yes Mike and I had our meltdowns every so often, but we were adjusting to a new life, and new routine, no sleep, crying baby, less "us" time, but we were doing well. We were enjoying our new life, we were enjoying being parents, and enjoying watching one another being parents.
I had issues with breast feeding early on, in the hospital Logan lost slightly more weight than what was appropriate, but the midwives were all happy with how I was feeding him, and thought if we got hi tongue snipped (he was born with a tongue tie), then he could attach easier, so when he was about 6 days old, we got it snipped. It didnt do anything, and the feeding issues got worse, he would attach and pull off, the attach again, then pull off again, it was starting to cause me heaps of pain. If I did eventually get him to attach and stay attached he would eat for a bit, then fall asleep, his weight kept dropping, not by huge amounts, but enough to have me worrying.
I went to breast feeding clinic when he was 8 days old, I was put on a plan of limiting breast feeding to 20 mins, then top up with a bottle, and express afterwards. This was exhausting!! By the time we went back to the breast feeding clinic I had given up on the expressing, and my milk supply had been dropping heavily. HOWEVER Logan finally had a good weight gain, and was taking to being bottle fed quite well. The midwives gave me a prescription for something to boost my milk supply, but my mind was made up, Logan liked the bottle, and he did well on the bottle, so thats what he was going to have. I gave it 2 weeks of trying to get him to stay on the breast, but I just wanted my son to be healthy and happy, and if formula was going to do that for him, then formula it was!
Id have my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I would feel like I had everything under control, other times I would feel like I was the biggest disappointment to motherhood there could be. But even on those bad days I would look at Logan and all those bad feelings would just melt away, he was so worth the sleep deprivation.
I had issues with breast feeding early on, in the hospital Logan lost slightly more weight than what was appropriate, but the midwives were all happy with how I was feeding him, and thought if we got hi tongue snipped (he was born with a tongue tie), then he could attach easier, so when he was about 6 days old, we got it snipped. It didnt do anything, and the feeding issues got worse, he would attach and pull off, the attach again, then pull off again, it was starting to cause me heaps of pain. If I did eventually get him to attach and stay attached he would eat for a bit, then fall asleep, his weight kept dropping, not by huge amounts, but enough to have me worrying.
I went to breast feeding clinic when he was 8 days old, I was put on a plan of limiting breast feeding to 20 mins, then top up with a bottle, and express afterwards. This was exhausting!! By the time we went back to the breast feeding clinic I had given up on the expressing, and my milk supply had been dropping heavily. HOWEVER Logan finally had a good weight gain, and was taking to being bottle fed quite well. The midwives gave me a prescription for something to boost my milk supply, but my mind was made up, Logan liked the bottle, and he did well on the bottle, so thats what he was going to have. I gave it 2 weeks of trying to get him to stay on the breast, but I just wanted my son to be healthy and happy, and if formula was going to do that for him, then formula it was!
Id have my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I would feel like I had everything under control, other times I would feel like I was the biggest disappointment to motherhood there could be. But even on those bad days I would look at Logan and all those bad feelings would just melt away, he was so worth the sleep deprivation.
Logan John Corrigan
It didnt take us long to figure out a name for our son, when we were pregnant with Albury we had decided on names, so even before Logan was conceived, he had his name.
We both wanted names that were known, but not common. And we wanted names that meant something to us. Mike is a massive comic book nerd, and one of the things we both bonded over during our relationship was Marvel comics. We both loved X-Men, and our favourite character was Wolverine whose real name is Logan. Instantly we knew that would be our sons name.
When we had the bleeding at 7 weeks, and we had found out that our baby was still alive, we sat in the room saying "If our baby is a boy, his name is perfect, little indestructible baby", and we hummed the X-Men theme song. Very dorky yes.
John was important to us for many reasons, the first being it is my fathers name. He has been such a huge, important part of my life and I couldnt think of a better was of showing how much he meant to me, then naming my son after him. John is also the name of the first Corrigan on Mikes family tree, as well as his best friends middle name.
And now you will have to wait until we have another girl or boy to find out what the names are for them!
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Birth of our Son
The morning of our sons birth was full of mixed emotions, we were so excited, so nervous, were we really ready to be parents???? Had we got everything we needed? Will we ever sleep again (answer is yes, in small bursts).
We got to the hospital and booked in at 7am, and the waiting began. We sat in the waiting room until our names were called and we got taken into a little room to speak to a midwife about what exactly was going to happen today. She went thru step by step what would be going on, telling us when we hear a noise that sounds like a milk frothing machine, thats our cue to grab our camera because our boy is about to be pulled out! The anesthetists came in and spoke to us about what his role was, and made us very comfortable with what would be happening.
We had our final ultrasound to make sure bubs was still breech, and thank god he was!! I dont think I would have been able to go home without my son that day!!
I got changed into my very flattering hospital gown, and Mike and I sat in the waiting room, ready to be called in. And we waited, and waited, and for fun, we waited some more. We were told 3 or 4 times that the operating theater we were to be using was in use, one emergency c-sec after another, so our go kept getting pushed back, further and further. Then the midwife came back into the room, and said we could go into our room on the maternity ward, as it could still be sometime, so we got taken up, and waited in our room for about 10 minutes before a man came in and said the doctors we waiting for me! It was so strange, even though we had been waiting for sooo long, when the man told us everything was ready, it seemed to be happening so quickly.
We got taken down to the operating theater, and I went in to get my spinal/epidural while Mike went to get changed into his scrubs. I was SO nervous about a needle going into my spine, but the doctors and midwives were so incredibly and made me feel so at ease and relaxed. I had the needle, laid down and everything went numb, then I started to feel sick. I was dizzy and I want to vomit, my blood pressure was dropping, so the midwives put the bed on an angle, and held something in front of me to throw up into. My head stopped spinning, and everything went back to normal again, then Mike came in, smiled at me, and took a seat by my head and held my hand.
The whole time Mike and I were just staring at each other, smiling, telling one another how much we loved each other other, how excited we were, our son was on his way! The milk frothing sound started, and Mike panicked , he really didnt want to look over at what was going on the other side of the curtain, but I really wanted photos of our son emerging. Luckily for both of us, one of the midwives came over and offered to take the photos for us.
There was lots of pressure, pushing, tugging, then the doctor told me our sons head was stuck, so there was a few more larger more aggressive tugs, and there he was!!
The crying began, and it was beautiful, there was my boy, being held in front of me, he got taken over to the side of the room to be quickly checked over, put they had cameras set up with a tv screen on the ceiling so I could watch everything that was going on. He was gorgeous, I had tears in my eyes, I felt instant love for my boy, I got my first cuddle, and just soaked in all the love I was feeling. I watched Mike cut the cord and dress our baby boy, then got our first family photo taken.
I was taken into recovery, where unfortunately I was for a couple of hours instead of 20 minutes as the top up spinal they were trying to give me was not working as it should. Mike was under strict instructions as to not let any family see or hold our boy until I was back in the room and got to have 20 minutes of just the 3 of us. I didnt want anyone else having a cuddle until I got a proper one!
I finally got back to my room and was nearly in tears because I had been away from my new baby boy for 2 hours!!! I finally got proper cuddles, and family were finally allowed to come in and see our gorgeous boy.
In spite of all the little hiccups throughout the day, March 24th 2010 was a perfect day, and one I will never forget
We got to the hospital and booked in at 7am, and the waiting began. We sat in the waiting room until our names were called and we got taken into a little room to speak to a midwife about what exactly was going to happen today. She went thru step by step what would be going on, telling us when we hear a noise that sounds like a milk frothing machine, thats our cue to grab our camera because our boy is about to be pulled out! The anesthetists came in and spoke to us about what his role was, and made us very comfortable with what would be happening.
We had our final ultrasound to make sure bubs was still breech, and thank god he was!! I dont think I would have been able to go home without my son that day!!
I got changed into my very flattering hospital gown, and Mike and I sat in the waiting room, ready to be called in. And we waited, and waited, and for fun, we waited some more. We were told 3 or 4 times that the operating theater we were to be using was in use, one emergency c-sec after another, so our go kept getting pushed back, further and further. Then the midwife came back into the room, and said we could go into our room on the maternity ward, as it could still be sometime, so we got taken up, and waited in our room for about 10 minutes before a man came in and said the doctors we waiting for me! It was so strange, even though we had been waiting for sooo long, when the man told us everything was ready, it seemed to be happening so quickly.
We got taken down to the operating theater, and I went in to get my spinal/epidural while Mike went to get changed into his scrubs. I was SO nervous about a needle going into my spine, but the doctors and midwives were so incredibly and made me feel so at ease and relaxed. I had the needle, laid down and everything went numb, then I started to feel sick. I was dizzy and I want to vomit, my blood pressure was dropping, so the midwives put the bed on an angle, and held something in front of me to throw up into. My head stopped spinning, and everything went back to normal again, then Mike came in, smiled at me, and took a seat by my head and held my hand.
The whole time Mike and I were just staring at each other, smiling, telling one another how much we loved each other other, how excited we were, our son was on his way! The milk frothing sound started, and Mike panicked , he really didnt want to look over at what was going on the other side of the curtain, but I really wanted photos of our son emerging. Luckily for both of us, one of the midwives came over and offered to take the photos for us.
There was lots of pressure, pushing, tugging, then the doctor told me our sons head was stuck, so there was a few more larger more aggressive tugs, and there he was!!
The crying began, and it was beautiful, there was my boy, being held in front of me, he got taken over to the side of the room to be quickly checked over, put they had cameras set up with a tv screen on the ceiling so I could watch everything that was going on. He was gorgeous, I had tears in my eyes, I felt instant love for my boy, I got my first cuddle, and just soaked in all the love I was feeling. I watched Mike cut the cord and dress our baby boy, then got our first family photo taken.
I was taken into recovery, where unfortunately I was for a couple of hours instead of 20 minutes as the top up spinal they were trying to give me was not working as it should. Mike was under strict instructions as to not let any family see or hold our boy until I was back in the room and got to have 20 minutes of just the 3 of us. I didnt want anyone else having a cuddle until I got a proper one!
I finally got back to my room and was nearly in tears because I had been away from my new baby boy for 2 hours!!! I finally got proper cuddles, and family were finally allowed to come in and see our gorgeous boy.
In spite of all the little hiccups throughout the day, March 24th 2010 was a perfect day, and one I will never forget
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