Although I have come a long way from where I was a few months ago, I will never forget, or truly get over what I have been through. I still have my bad days where I cry for my little girl, I stare at Logan smiling at me and feel so sad that I missed this with my daughter.
I didnt get to give Albury her first bath, I missed out on seeing her smile, hearing her cry, I never got to hold her, or see her out of my tummy. I often feel deep regret with my choice of not giving birth to her, although I know it would have been deeply traumatic, at least I would have felt like I had a moment with her, and event, not just lying on an operating table unconscious, waking to be told she was no longer in my belly.
I know people may find it hard to understand that I refer to a child I never had these moments with my daughter, but thats what she is to me. I saw her at our first ultrasound kicking around in my belly, I felt her move, I heard her heartbeat, she was real, and so was my love for her.
We had bought her toys, I had done paintings for her nursery, and these were the things I hated to see so much after we lost her. But now, they are Logans, a gift from his sister as she no longer needs them. They will hold a special place in my heart, as what once was hers, is now his.
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