My last blog post :)

Wow, what a journey. This blog has been everything I wanted it to be. My outlet, getting my feelings on paper (so to speak) out in the open. No more hiding, no more bottling it up. I am truly in a great place right now because of it. Logan turned 1 yesterday and I couldn't be happier. The anniversary of Alburys death is coming up and I have no fears what so ever. I no longer think of Logan or associate him with Alburys death. They are their own people. I have 2 children, 1 alive, 1 past away.

And so for my last post, I thought I would finish with a letter I wrote to Logan for his 1st Birthday, here it is:

Dear Logan, my baby boy,

Wow, you’re one! Time has just flown by so quickly. In a blink of an eye you have grown up so much. What a journey we have had so far. My pregnancy was very eventful with you, with a few scares and minor bumps along the way, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that your first year wasn’t any different. But we have come leaps and bounds, and we did it together!

Im so sorry for putting you through some hard times, it wasn’t mummy’s fault. A horrible monster called PND had caught me and had put me under a trance, so much so that I couldn’t even recognise you anymore! But you, my little knight in shining amour, helped me fight the monster. You saved me little man; saved me from the sad and lonely dungeon that PND had held me captive in. I will forever be thankful that you took me away from that place. Thank you for not giving up on me and bringing me back to life.

Your personality has really started to blossom recently; it has been incredible to witness. You seem a bit like me at the moment, never staying with one project too long. So many options out there, how can you pick just one and stick with it when you look around and see so many other opportunities!! You don’t really have any favourite toys at the moment because of this reason; you float about your playroom, going from one thing to another, giving everything a chance to entertain you. You are definitely not closed-minded; you will give everything a go. However when you do decided to go for something, there is no stopping you. You can be very stubborn; you get that from mummy too! I have loved watching you grow into such an incredible little man. You are such a happy boy, nothing fazes you, and you just go with the flow, very much like daddy. I hope some of that stays with you when you’re older. Just know that whatever happens, as long as you are happy, that’s all that matters.

Every time you learn something new it has been such a proud moment for me. I don’t think I will ever stop being proud of you and of who you become. I remember the first time you rolled, started babbling away, or crawling among other things. You always have an amazed look on your face once you finally accomplish what you have been trying to do; it’s just so gorgeous to see. It has all been so exciting to watch and I’m so eager to watch you continue to learn.

I love watching you with your dad, you seem like you are so in awe of him. It’s beautiful seeing you two rolling around, smiling each other. Or seeing you laugh every time you beep your daddy’s nose. My boys are my life, and I love you two so much.

My baby boy, you have made my life so perfect. You give me purpose, you make me laugh, and you make me happy. I will always be here for you, good and bad, just the way you are always here for me. Words really cannot explain how much I love you, I don’t think you will ever really know, but just know that I do love you, and I will support you no matter what.

Love you forever, Mummy xox

Guilty

When I look back at the time that I was deeply suffering from PND, and then focus on where I am now, I do not feel inspirational or strong, I feel guilty. Guilty for letting down Mike, my family, and especially for letting down Logan. I was so engrossed in my bad feelings I couldn’t be the mother I so desperately wanted to be. I look at Logan now and ask myself how could I have ever felt no love for this gorgeous human being? I feel so lucky and privileged just to watch him grow and learn in the environment we have created for him, how could I have been so dumb to almost have thrown that away?!

Yes I know PND is not something you choose, or something you can control. But I think there was a part of me that didn’t want to get better, a part of me that just gave in to the darkness and didn’t put up any sort of fight.

I have suffered from depression on and off for the majority of my life now, I know the signs of when it’s creeping back in, I know what helps me, and I know what makes me better. But I ignored the bad feelings that started to claw their way into me. I didn’t tell anyone the feelings I was beginning to have. I didn’t speak up until it was too late. Then I just laid back and let the despair take over.

I did not make myself better, none of the people around me that were there to help made me better. At least not until my little knight in shining amour snapped me out of the darkness, and showed me how bright our lives could be. Logan was my beacon of light; at just 8 weeks old he did what no one else could. He showed me it could be all right.

So no, I’m not strong, and I’m not inspirational. I just have the greatest son in the world. I am lucky.

Logans "special" things

While we were pregnant with Albury, we bought a few baby items for her, only to find out we later that she had passed away. These items were to hard to look at, to touch, to even think about in the months following her death. After finding out we were pregnant again, I decided these items would be a present from Albury to her little brother. It was hard at first seeing him with what was meant to be hers, but now its gives me some comfort, some peace, to see him with a few special items from his big sister, something to remember her and the excitement of when we were pregnant with her.

This was a bunny Mikes parents bought Albury for Easter 2009, Logan will have this bunny forever, its very special:

This was the first "toy" Mike and I bought Albury, right after we had a fight because I felt he wasn't getting excited enough about the pregnancy:

And just yesterday, Logan wore the first outfit we bought Albury. I remember when we were buying it there were pink and blue versions too, Mike wanted to buy the blue because he was certain we were having a boy, but I said it was safer to buy the neutral one, just in case. I was umming and ahhing about whether to ever let Logan wear this outfit, or to just put it away with my other Albury things, but it bought a massive smile on my face to see something I was so excited about buying all that time ago, finally being used, and not locked away:

I am...

On my road of self-discovery I have become content with my life, and happy not knowing exactly what the future will bring. This is who I am:

I am a daughter
I am a sister
I am a wife
I am a mother
I am creative
I am messy
I am someone who wishes they were tidy
I am a lover of books
I am a hopeless romantic
I am a movie fanatic
I am someone who sings in the car, shower, or when I’m bored or happy
I am someone who likes to bake
I am someone who does not really like cooking
I am someone whose ideas are always better than the end product
I am someone who never finishes what they start
I am a budding photographer
I am a wannabe writer
I am a tummy sleeper
I am a shoe lover
I am a bargain hunter
I am funny
I am lazy
I am happier having a night in than a night out
I am someone who believes in ghost
I am someone who does not believe in Aliens
I am a good person
I am loyal
I am Charlotte

Thats not Logan

Had two of my gorgeous nephews staying with us this week. While I was giving Logan some food, Blake, 10, saw the Albury plaque on the wall and said "Oh look, Logan was so cute". This was only the second time the plaque has been pointed out by anyone (both times its been mistaken as just one of Logans ultrasounds) and even though I was unprepared for it, I feel I dealt with it exactly how I hoped I would.

I just said to Blake and Aiden "No, thats not Logan, remember when I had a baby in my tummy before Logan, but the baby died? Well she was a little girl, and thats her. Her name is ALbury." Both of them remembered, and asked questions, told me their memories of when it happened, how it made them cry. I just let them know that it was ok to be sad and cry as it was a very sad thing to happen. They then went on with their day as normal.

It was exactly how I had hoped, not awkward, not over emotional, just a nice chat about Albury, who she is, and what she means to us.

Excitement of Christmas

I LOVE Christmas, everything about it. Decorating the house, giving presents, getting presents, good company, good food, whats not to love?

This was not so true last Christmas. Last Christmas was supposed to be Albury's first Christmas, it was supposed to be exciting for a whole other reason. I was supposed to fulfill my life long dream of becoming Santa, dressing my baby up in a gorgeous Christmas outfit, having everyone adoring her. But no, she wasn't there.

The problem was I didn't talk about how sad I was, I didn't think I was aloud to be, as I was 6 months pregnant with Logan at the time. How can I be so sad when I have my son growing in my belly? Well simple, because I didn't have my baby girl in my arms.

It broke my heart to hear the words, "There are no babies this year, how boring!" Knowing that Albury would have filled that void, SHOULD have filled it. It was even hard opening presents for Logan, because I kept thinking how they could have been hers.

Yes Christmas was hard last year, but the time with my family was enough to get me through it with a real smile on my face. Because that's what family does, without even knowing it, they get you through the toughest times in your life.

wife, mum, cook, cleaner, Charlotte?

So I am currently on a quest to 'find myself'. Becoming a mum has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life, yet it has also been the hardest. On my road to becoming a mum I have lost a child, gone through PND, as well as the usual morning sickness, sleepless nights and so on.

My days consist of feeding Logan, playing with him, changing nappy's, wiping his nose, as well as cleaning the house and getting dinner prepared. Some days all of this goes on, and some I only have time to do the first few because Logan is having a bad day. And now, after 8 and a half months of doing this I have hit a wall, asking myself, where has Charlotte gone?

A few people have asked if going back to work 1 or 2 days a week might help, and the answer is simple, nope. Work for me wasn't a part of who I was, it was just a way of getting money. We are comfortable enough for me to stay home, which however hard it may seem to believe right now, I love. I think going back to work will give me one more thing taking up what should be 'Charlotte' time.

A small step in the right direction was taken yesterday, I went to Borders and bought the last book of the Vampire Academy series, now I have the set. However I haven't even begun to read the first book. I'm currently on the last book of a different series, I'm up to chapter 2, and have been for a few months now. I used to love reading so much, losing myself in a book, loving characters, hating characters, reading just one more chapter because I just HAD to know what happened next.

But when I came out of the bookshop I thought to myself "You're an idiot Charlotte, you're never going to have time to read these bloody books, what a waste of money, you should have bought Logan something". Then it hit me, why didn't I have time to read my books? Because I put everything else first. So I have decided that AT LEAST one day a week I am going to sit down, by myself, and read.

This decision, for now, has made me feel 100 times better. I feel I am finally on my way to claiming back Charlotte.