Guilty

When I look back at the time that I was deeply suffering from PND, and then focus on where I am now, I do not feel inspirational or strong, I feel guilty. Guilty for letting down Mike, my family, and especially for letting down Logan. I was so engrossed in my bad feelings I couldn’t be the mother I so desperately wanted to be. I look at Logan now and ask myself how could I have ever felt no love for this gorgeous human being? I feel so lucky and privileged just to watch him grow and learn in the environment we have created for him, how could I have been so dumb to almost have thrown that away?!

Yes I know PND is not something you choose, or something you can control. But I think there was a part of me that didn’t want to get better, a part of me that just gave in to the darkness and didn’t put up any sort of fight.

I have suffered from depression on and off for the majority of my life now, I know the signs of when it’s creeping back in, I know what helps me, and I know what makes me better. But I ignored the bad feelings that started to claw their way into me. I didn’t tell anyone the feelings I was beginning to have. I didn’t speak up until it was too late. Then I just laid back and let the despair take over.

I did not make myself better, none of the people around me that were there to help made me better. At least not until my little knight in shining amour snapped me out of the darkness, and showed me how bright our lives could be. Logan was my beacon of light; at just 8 weeks old he did what no one else could. He showed me it could be all right.

So no, I’m not strong, and I’m not inspirational. I just have the greatest son in the world. I am lucky.