Starting to heal

I was finally seeing that things were getting better, I found my love for Logan again, and things were on track for getting even better. I knew that this wasnt just a quick fix, and that if I wanted things to be good for the long term, then I was going to have to confront something I had been avoiding for a long time, Alburys death.

My psychology sessions were my saviour. I got to talk openly about how much the loss of my daughter had affected me, without the fear of it making someone uncomfortable. I spoke about how I get confused about how to answer the question "So is Logan your first child?". I my heart, no he isnt my first child, but I dont want to have that awkward conversation with people and make them feel uncomfortable around me if I said "No, we had a daughter, but she passed away when I was pregnant". So usually I just say yes, then feel guilty later when Im by myself and feel like I havent given Albury the recognition she deserves.

I spoke about how I keep running the pregnancy over and over in my head, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what did I do to make my daughter die?? Did I eat something I wasnt supposed to? Did I work myself too hard? Did I fall or hit my stomach at some stage? Not knowing why Albury passed is one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with. I now know, I will never have the answers, but I know it wasnt my fault, it wasnt Mikes fault, and Im not haunted by these thoughts anymore.

It used to break my heart to hear family talking about how there are no girls in the family, we dont know how to make girls, my parents or inlaws have no granddaughters, only grandsons. I used to bite my tongue and go home and cry. I know know I dont need other people to acknowledge Albury for her to feel special to me. She is my daughter, and I love her, and I dont need to make everyone reconise her as "real" because she is to me. If people speak of her then yes I smile, but I dont need it.

Logan and I say good morning to Albury everyday, I have a plaque on the wall with her Ultrasound photo on it. Logan will grow up knowing he has a big sister who watches over him, and will take care of him. And that thought warms my heart.